I came back here. I didn't want to because I figured maybe I should start over on a different blogging site that would make everything feel new, like one of those strange fresh start times. It just didn't seem to work out that way. I keep meaning to write something that I think will be this very impactful and thoughtful post of where I have been lately with life and all the things I think about. However, every time I just cannot collect my thoughts to write about them.

On my drives to work I may have so many ideas or things that I think I can pursue. I think, "Well, after work I will have time to focus on this," but it just doesn't happen. Even now, while I write this, I don't feel like this is a very meaningful post. It's not about a certain topic...it's just me coming back to something I quit doing a while ago.

I renamed this blog from Coinciding with the Inevitable to In the Meantime because not only did I want something different, but I personally feel like we are all often in that "in the meantime phase of life." There's always something else we can work towards, but I do believe that it's in the weird unknown space of the meantime where meaningful and important things happen. I currently feel like I'm in this kind of time and I think it's worth writing about. Although this time may seem menial, it's the small moments or conversations that go much further and have an actual impact on ourselves or those around us. 


Anyway, I could really write forever about everything and it wouldn't make sense together, but I'm going to stop...until the next time I write. 

my thoughts nicely put

I just wrote something down that seemed so natural.

I answered a question in my Bible study book with this:

"More of seeing Jesus - not playing it safe in church and nice things."

The question that preceded this was, "Spend some time alone with the Lord, and pray about your schedule. What parts of your life and schedule are working and what things need to change?"

I was basically answering the whole "what things need to change part." Looking back at my answer, it may seem that I drifted off and didn't even answer the question. I actually answered it in a way that I answer most people's questions. And sometimes that is confusing.

Anyway.

"More of seeing Jesus."

This is what is most important to me right now. It used to be important, then it became less important, and now I'm here again. I'm realizing this is why I love Jesus. I love that he doesn't condemn me for being here. I just wanted to answer this question in a way that really depicts what I think. 

I often feel like I go to church and that's where we're all supposed to feel safe and see Jesus. I get that. I really do, for the most part. If I hadn't grown up in church, I'd probably hold tightly to that. But, I have grown up in church and that's not my story. And that's okay. 

In this moment I'm feeling passionate. It's like I'm feeling the way Jesus planned. Weird. He knows that I thrive off of seeing things in an alternative way...in a way that I'm not used to. I'm also very skeptical of things. Especially when it comes to church. I thought I could brush that off in the past year, but that's not what has happened. I'm still skeptical. When I know that others are skeptical it's almost like they're speaking my language. It's like we're all challenging things and how they could be. I still like that.

Back to my answer...the other half, finding comfort in nice things. 

I understand that Jesus is holy. He is pure. He never sinned. He will always be this way. 

We are not all of those things on our own. He does that in us. I get that.

BUT.

The nice things I'm speaking of that seem somehow close to Jesus... having nice things. Having clean things. 

Is that closer to Jesus? This may not even make sense after I type it, but I hope it does. It just seems that in our churches, if we make things look nice and make sure they are clean and new...will that bring someone closer to Jesus? I mean, maybe it will. I can't say it couldn't. Sometimes I wonder, though. Christianity seems like the way to go if you want the "clean life." If you want to get rid of all the crap. 

This is true in that Jesus comes in and is with you in all this crap. The crap is still there, but he makes it better. He does. I've experienced it. Yet, you don't have to be completely be cleaned up and be nice and  current for Jesus to enter in to your life.

I think a lot of us know that. I'd like to think so, anyway. I just think that's important to reiterate. I have to remind myself that it's not all about that. I could be in a pile of mud (you can take this figuratively or literally at this point) with the gross feeling of just being dirty. That doesn't mean that I'm not loved. Just because I'm unsure of how I'll get out of that deep mud pit doesn't mean there isn't a way. Hope that wasn't too cliche. 

I love that too. Jesus isn't just in the nice things. He is in the poop of life. Why would he leave us in that? Yeah, we can choose not to see him. But we can also be reminded that he is there. We get to make those decisions, to at least recognize that Jesus is there. He's got you from there. He will every time.

words

Oh, the way words change things for a person.
They can be words of beauty, encouragement, love.

OR

words soaked with hate.

All these words strung together that we get to choose from. We get to tie these words together ourselves, fabricating something that brings life or death.

___________________________     _______       ______________     ___________    ____________

I've worked with teens on several occasions. I'm now a small group leader at my church. I've gotten the chance to meet these humans and see where they are in life, what they like to do, what they think about school. I've gotten a glimpse into their world…their world that seems so brutal to many because of the way that they are treated…not necessarily by their peers, but by their family as well.

I have always been surrounded by people who love me and who are encouraging.

This isn't true for some of the teens in youth group. Some of these kids struggle hardcore, and can only do so much because they are limited by their age. They can't just move out and live on their own. Some just have to wait.

Some of these kids stay strong because they know there are people who do love them,
When her grandma tells her that she's worthless and that she doesn't matter, she doesn't know what to do. She's ready to move out in a heartbeat. Her youth seems like a cage, even though she would willingly enjoy it if things were different, if someone was telling her that she is loved and cared for. Instead, she's reminded everyday of how incapable she is, how she doesn't matter, and how she is worthless.

Just what a person dreams of hearing.

I hate that. I hate that those words exist. Her grandmother can tear her down so easily. She gets the opportunity to make her feel like she's nothing. She chooses to pick out the words that kill and destroy.



Thankfully, this young woman knows that she is loved and accepted by others. She knows that her grandmother does not make her life better. She knows the unhealthiness of it all. She's standing strong. She's encouraged by other kids in the youth group and adult leaders. She is truly blessed. I want to pray for her and I will pray for her.


This isn't a new story, I know. But it's still happening. It will always happen. I'm just so thankful that the hate isn't all there is in this world. I'm so grateful that this girl is surrounded by others outside of her home that will be there, reassuring her that she is so much more than she will ever know. She is important always, not just sometimes. She matters.

The Hurt and the Healer

It's very strange, this place I've been as of late. Actually, I keep saying that. I keep saying that I've been in a weird place, one that doesn't make sense, one that is filled with confusion. Confusion is the best way to describe how I've felt for so long. Well, long as in months in my life.

To jump to where I am now, I've been reading this book by these two guys who happen to love Jesus. I started reading it earlier this year after my mom let me borrow it. I read a few chapters and then stopped. It was so good then.
So, I picked it up the other day and started reading it from the beginning…I think. I started reading it somewhere, anyway.
I did the thing where you go to a coffee shop and read or something. I read this book. I took notes on it. I didn't even take notes on it because I thought it was a way of discipline that would be helpful. I couldn't wait to take notes on this book. I wanted to soak it all up. I haven't felt this way about a book in forever. IT WAS SO AWESOME. I LOVED IT.

This book is addressing so many things I need to hear and reminding me of things that are so important and true. I'm being reminded of the truth of Jesus and God.

It addressed the confusion I talked about. I was so excited…it was like someone was speaking directly to me, telling me what I needed to know about Jesus.

I've been confused because I've been trying to do what I can and failing. I have emotionally and spiritually drained myself. I've tried to fix things. I tried to read my bible. I wouldn't read it, and felt bad. I felt guilty like there was something wrong. I didn't pray much. I was annoyed that I didn't pray much and that I wasn't even feeling it.  I haven't been feeling it. Any of the God stuff. And then I felt bad about that.

This is all stemming from what I haven't done. I haven't done this to be close with God. I was apart of it too much. I often put myself in the center, trying to figure out what steps I'm supposed to take toward getting back with God.

No. That's not it. I don't have to keep doing that. I am free from trying so hard. I am free from working towards a relationship with God. I already have a relationship with God. I decided that a long time ago. I've been acting as though he's gone far from me. He hasn't at all.

Are you aware that God's grace has been there, done that?…
Jesus came for a reason. We are actually free. These words don't even do this justice…

There's so much more to it than words. This realization cannot even be described with words. It can, but it's unhelpful.

My brain seems like it's crapping all over this blog, as thought it's not making sense really. Doesn't matter. I could write this blog horribly. I could treat people awfully. I could never do anything that I've ever been used to, such as getting involved in a church or reading my bible or praying. (I got this from the book, just not verbatim.) I wouldn't have to do any of that for Jesus to love me, for God to forgive me.

It's already been done.

I've been forgiven for life. I've already accepted Jesus into my heart and believe he is still alive. I love being reminded of who God is to us. I love being reminded that he's not out to make us feel guilty. Before knowing him, he saw our sin, yes. Now that I know him, Jesus lives through me and in me, making me holy and blameless. (Again, these are blurbs from the book.) It's awesome. Jesus is so awesome. He never has and will never do things that are expected. He doesn't just work in people who give him their best 100% and have their morals intact. He's not preaching morals.

With my puny, words, all I can say is that I'm excited that this is real. I'm excited to feel this again. Eeeee. I could write forever, but also not. I just like reading that book a whole lot.

I've been traveling in the desert of my mind

Here's what I'm going through, and the funny thing is...I didn't even write this. It was already written. Somebody has already felt these feelings. Somebody has already gone through this. I'm in it now. If nothing else, alongside my current apathy I have a song to sing. When I can't find what I'm looking for or even feel that strong spirit of truth, I still have a song. 

You can have this song too, if it's what you need.

It's what I need right now.

I try desperately to run through the sand
As I hold the water
In the palm of my hand
Cause it's all that I have
It's all that I need and
The waves of the water
Mean nothing to me
But I try my best
And all that I can to
Hold tightly onto
What's left in my hand
But no matter how
How tightly I will strain
The sand will slow me down
And the water will drain
I'm just being dramatic
In fact,
I'm only at it again
As an addict with a pen
Who's addicted to the wind
As it blows me back and fourth
Mindless, spineless, and pretend
Of course I'll be here again
See you tomorrow
But it's the end of today
End of my ways
As a walking denial
My trail was filed as a crazy
Suicidal head case
But you specialize in dying
You hear me screaming
Father
And I'm lying here just crying
So wash me with your water

that community word

You know when you start craving something you once knew? It could even be something like this food you had one time that was ridiculously great and you feel you need it right now or life won't go on...or pickles. I crave pickles.
But, that's clearly not what I'm writing about. I love pickles, and I tend to crave them like a pregnant woman. Also, I'm not pregnant. ... Anyway...

I crave community.
It's like, when I get even a small dose of it, I'm filled up. I experienced community in a way that has been modeled after the way Jesus did life...
He spent it with people who were vulnerable. People who got close because of him, not necessarily because of just their life interests.

Jesus clearly didn't mess around. He didn't live on earth that long, and didn't waste any time getting to genuinely know people. I love that about him. I love how he sees each person as someone more than worth spending time with. People are not like that, even the nicest, most genuine person on the planet. I'm so glad Jesus exists. He is like no one else, and that's refreshing.
He's so relatable, yet so different. He's the only one who ever had to die for every person just to save them from themselves. I won't ever have to do that. I will never be able to save anyone in that way.

Jesus is clearly good.
The community he promotes and lives is worth the vulnerability and I pray for that again.

sunday blog time.

Sometimes...well, sometimes lately I just sit here on the computer for endless amounts of time wondering if I'm even going to see a job title that looks interesting to me. I just don't want to fit into any of those job titles. It just seems not okay, like I'm giving in to stuff I never wanted to give in to --- which is, having a job that could really suck. I mean, I've had some days where I'm super positive and thinking I could basically do anything...and how I can't wait to do something that will rule...

These pictures are irrelevant. Sort of. 

Then again, I'm just not into this whole job thing. I KNEW it was going to be this process that would be dumb, boring, and would make me feel as though I should have worked harder somewhere along the way in my life. Maybe that's true, but that's awful if it is all true.

I know that you have to know people. You have to know people who will tell other people that you are looking for a job. It'd be super ideal for someone to be like, "Oh, hey! I found this great job for you -- it's one where you constantly promote excellent music and you get paid for it!."

Yeah.

I don't know though. Maybe my idea of any job is not what it would actually be in reality. I just don't want to fit into a typical job. Whatever that means. 

I wasn't ready for college to end. Pretty sure most seniors weren't either, minus those few that were offered jobs right out of school...wierdies. Well done for them, though.

However, I have some things to look into this week. Praying they go well. Or something. 

I also get to see some friends this week. And my boyfriend. 

So. That's my life right now.