I Wrote a Blog

"Write a blog. You should go write a blog. I thought you were going to write a blog. Didn't you say you were going to write a blog?" -- all things said by my roommate and friend Justine. 

--- My response-- I don't know what to write. I have so many thoughts (surprise)... I can't condense them. I haven't felt God enough to write a blog. I haven't....I can't.... blah blah. Whatever. 

So, I'm going to write this blog. 

Here's where I am -- well, I'm unsure of where I am, maybe? Lately I've been hearing a lot about how God loves me, and you, no matter what we do. We can try to do things, but he'll love us anyway. 

Okay, I've heard it. Really, I've heard it almost too much. Can't we move on from that? Are we not just trying to convince ourselves that God loves us? I know it feels like I've been doing that lately. Should I move on from that? Not too sure. 

I don't know what to read in my bible as of late. I've been lazy about it. I just don't like opening that book up, with so many meaningful things in it, only ending up searching for verses that I think are relevant or things that are interesting to me. It seems like more of a task than anything. It's almost as if I spend that time reading that book I might find truth and not know what to do with it. But, nevertheless, that is where I really think I am lately. 

I don't know what to do with the truth.

I have known what to do with it. I have known how to speak it to other people. I have known that it is there and it is alive...but I'm not in the same place, even now. There has been something inside of me that makes me want to hide the truth or just not even bring it up. 

Why is that? No clue. 

But, thankfully, I have a friend who is reminding me of the Truth. She's reminding other people in her life of truth. I am so thankful for her. She's strong when she could be weak. I love that. 

Just last night, as I was looking through my bible, I ended up reading Galatians 5. That book and chapter is just filled with all things Spirit-filled. It's so good. 

Here's something...

"You, my brothers, were called to be free..." 
- Galatians 5:13 (some of 13, anyway)

We were actually called to be free...not to give up, not to be perfect, not to be everything to everyone, not to save the world, not to feel good all the time, not to prove ourselves, not to do the right thing every time...and so on. 

I would love to answer that call...to be free. 

I'm told Jesus is good. I believe it. I want it in real life. I want Jesus to be in it. All of it. I think I will always want that, even when I don't show it. 

So, Jesus. Help me be free...knowing that you are with me, that you love me, that you want me to be free, that I can rest in all of You and who you are. 

Here's to Confusion

As always, I have so many thoughts. I tried to condense them into words. But instead of all those thoughts, I'm going to choose to be reassured. I am confused, upset, bewildered, excited, and fascinated by God right now....

I don't know. It's weird. 

But,

It should be okay.

Everything will be okay. 

He is Yahweh

Who is moving on the waters
Who is holding up the moon
Who is peeling back the darkness
With the burning light of noon
Who is standing on the mountains
Who is on the earth below
Who is bigger than the heavens and the lover of my soul (Chorus)


(Chorus) Creator God, He is Yahweh
The Great I Am, He is Yahweh
The Lord of All, He is Yahweh
Rose of Sharon, He is Yahweh
The Righteous Son, He is Yahweh
The Three-in-one, He is Yahweh

Who is He that makes me happy
Who is He that gives me peace
Who is He that brings me comfort
And turns the bitter into sweet
Who is stirring up my passion
Who is rising up in me
Who is filling up my hunger, with everything I need. (Chorus)

You are holy and eternal
And forever You will reign
Every knee will bow before You
Every tongue will confess Your name
All the angels give You glory
As they stand before Your throne
and here on Earth we gather
To declare Your name alone. (Chorus) 

I just wanted to share the lyrics to this song. I just heard it/worshiped Jesus through this song in chapel today. So much truth. 

Here's a link, if you want to worship with this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KimlpvQz3tM

Just Because

"Don't live for God. Live because of God."

Here's one of those times where it's good to actually reread those sentences, maybe several times, and then think on them if necessary.

How great are those words, really?? As Christ followers we aren't called to live a life FOR God, but a life BECAUSE of God. It's so crazy to me how those words make all the difference. 

After seeing Tenth Avenue North perform last night at LifeWay, I was astounded. The lead singer, Mike Donehey, spoke those words that I am so moved by. It was not only a reminder, but a truth that I hadn't seen before, at least not in this way. 

He was pouring out truth. THE Truth. As he was speaking between songs, I heard and saw not just a man who loves Jesus, but I saw Jesus through his words and genuineness. I was focused completely (which can be rare for me). Jesus had all my attention. I loved it.

Mike reminded everyone that we can't work for God's acceptance. We can't get his approval. He has already accepted us. He has already approved. We are his creations. We are so imperfect, but there is nothing that will keep us from his love. 

Yet again, I don't understand. How can this even be a thing that exists? It does. It will not be found in a person. 

We don't even have to work to be loved by God. 

This is so freeing to me. This should be freeing to me. This is the good news. News that will never get old because I cannot wrap my mind around it. 

For this, I am thankful. 

Our God. Our huge God wants us to just be. 

I am challenged, now, to see my life as a way to live because of God's love, because of God's truth.

Just Because. 

My heart isn't right.

I'm writing this at this very moment because my heart is not right and I'm choosing to write about this.
Almost like I'm documenting my heart's condition at this present time.


There's a situation. It's been an ongoing situation. I've been so angry about it. I've tried to understand it. I become so jealous. I become bitter. The, there is peace.

But this peace seem so situational. Is that how it will always be?

Oh, this is something I know is my weakness. I think that one day I don't have a problem with my two friends who are always spending time with each other. Seems so elementary. Honestly, though, it hurts. It hurts that I was just told by another friend that they were together hanging out.

My first reaction: I really don't care. I couldn't care less about what they are doing together.

I was naiive in thinking it wouldn't be brought to my attention so soon.

I want to be happy for them, don't I? Can't I just accept that things have changed?
Right now, I don't. I really don't. I can definitely conjure up some awful things to say.

This is not who I want to be moving towards. I don't want to move towards the person I usually am.  I'm reminded that God is bigger.

So, this is a reminder to myself: God is bigger. He is bigger than my jealousy. He is bigger than this what-seems-so-constant situation.

A reminder of Truth.

God, you are bigger than these feelings. You love when I don't. You forgive when I am hesitant.

I need my Jesus.

I like what you say, but I don't feel it. 

The words You speak and have spoken are filled with truth, but I can hardly say that I fully believe in that truth at that moment I hear or read it. 

I yearn for the day when You're all I'm after.

My thoughts are obsessed with knowing You and only You.

My actions sometimes display what You represent, and sometimes they disgrace the very core of who You are.

I strive and strive, then realize there's nothing I can do to have You love me.

I am always reminded there is nothing that I can do for You to love me. You just do.

That's what I'm always told. That's what I believe sometimes, yet I don't always fully believe it.

I'm sick of not always believing and I'm done with my thoughts telling me that I'm stuck. 

But that feels most true right now. 

I feel stuck. 

Where is the balance of not giving myself too much credit to the point of pride and arrogance to giving myself credit for who I am because I am God's?

Maybe it is that I'm striving for perfection.

I can't find this balance after trying and trying in almost everything I do. 

I want to do what's right. I want to be who I can be in Christ. I reminded of who I can be, and sort of how...

But that's just it.

I don't feel like I know the key to all of this. 

How do I actively become who I am supposed to be?

Will I ever reach it?

I know there is a Truth and I want Him to be the center of who I am.

I need the reminders.

I need the spiritual encouragement. 

I need my Jesus.

And My Thoughts Wander Again...

Today I had this thought. I thought, "What if I am where I am supposed to be? I mean, I always think that there is more somewhere other than where I am now. So, why am I here? Why am I not there?"

I always feel like there is more that I could be doing, or at least something else that I SHOULD be doing. Yet, I had another thought....

"I am probably where I am for a reason. OR maybe there isn't a specific reason I am here."

So, now I am thinking some other thoughts...

I am home, where I've grown up. Away from Anderson...which I also call home. 

God is here. 

God is also there. 

I could be in England...and amazingly enough, God would still be the same. He would still be with me.

There is freedom and reassurance in knowing that I don't actually have to be physically present in a certain place in order for me to really see God or know he's there.

It's not really a matter of where I am. 

It's a matter of taking the time to listen to God...regardless of what city, state, or country I'm in.

God will speak...I just need to stop screening his words. I need to stop over thinking what he says. I need to let my faith be my understanding. 

I need that to be enough.