And My Thoughts Wander Again...

Today I had this thought. I thought, "What if I am where I am supposed to be? I mean, I always think that there is more somewhere other than where I am now. So, why am I here? Why am I not there?"

I always feel like there is more that I could be doing, or at least something else that I SHOULD be doing. Yet, I had another thought....

"I am probably where I am for a reason. OR maybe there isn't a specific reason I am here."

So, now I am thinking some other thoughts...

I am home, where I've grown up. Away from Anderson...which I also call home. 

God is here. 

God is also there. 

I could be in England...and amazingly enough, God would still be the same. He would still be with me.

There is freedom and reassurance in knowing that I don't actually have to be physically present in a certain place in order for me to really see God or know he's there.

It's not really a matter of where I am. 

It's a matter of taking the time to listen to God...regardless of what city, state, or country I'm in.

God will speak...I just need to stop screening his words. I need to stop over thinking what he says. I need to let my faith be my understanding. 

I need that to be enough. 

What If

What if I were to forget the security of my own comfort and jump into something that brings uncertainty?

What if I desired to travel the world, and not know where I will eat or sleep or if I'll have enough money to do either?

What if I put my trust in something, Someone higher than myself? My FULL trust.

What would that look like?

Lately, I have been asking myself these kinds of questions. I have not given God the credit he actually deserves. Of course, he doesn't need me to tell him what he deserves. He's God. He is the Almighty. He really is the Beginning and the End.

Jesus is a miracle worker. He changed life years ago, why do I act as though he is incapable of it now?

That's what really gets me. I belittle Him. I belittle the One who molded my very form.

I get wrapped up in these situations and I have no clue how I am going to survive them. I look for faith in myself. I look to myself for help.

The past few weeks, though I have let God carry me a little here and there. I have let him hold me and take me to where he wants me.

It's strange. It's scary. It's exciting. It's faith.

Our God is huge. He's the same he has always been. He will provide. He is the only safety I need. He really is.

What if I lived everyday like that?

Astounded.

I don't know of any other words that could describe the way I feel right now other than the very title of this blog. The past 5 months or so have consisted of heartache, sorrow, grief, love, failure, sadness, anger, bitterness (so much), anxiety, relaxation, freedom, restraint, peace, truth, lies, decisions, faith, some prayer, miracles, curiosity...

Through all of those words, I have come to the realization, yet again, that God is so huge. He is so infinite. He is unbelievable. I could go on and on about what God is.

Here are some things God is not: unreliable, unforgiving, human, sinful, deceitful, uncaring, demeaning, inconsiderate, horrible.

My God is so ridiculous. He is so good.

I can't really even begin how to understand this. I still cannot wrap my mind around it. I keep trying to put God in human form, but it never works. His love is not conditional. He is not me. He is not any person on this earth.

He is so pure, so unlike this world, so unlike me.

He actually takes broken hearts and holds them. He holds them.

God has held my heart, in its wrenching pain, in its full out despair, and somehow introduced me to a different side of grace and love.

He has shown me that I can view someone in a different light. I can view someone through his eyes, even if for a short time. Someone who has hurt me so deeply. Someone who I thought I could never mend things with have been shown to me in a different light.

This has taken time, though...day by day with emotions and thoughts running rampant.

Tonight I had a conversation with this person who I liked, loved, rejected, judged.

Tonight I didn't have the anger. I didn't have the bitterness. It wasn't about any of that. It was about God.

When I say that, I really mean it. I previously met with this person a couple weeks ago, and from that day he is a completely different person.

I could see it in his face, body language, eyes...

heart...soul....

He is filled with God. He is filled with the Spirit and it's extremely evident.

It was so drastic, so different, so God. I can't say it was anything else. He was such a different person.

I was so encouraged by this. My heart has been filled with hope.

And now, I am simply astounded.

Thoughts On Thoughts On Thoughts

Thinking can be seen as a gift. I am able to think whatever I want without any human knowing. God knows, but no one else does.

I am capable of encouraging thoughts or thoughts that torture not just my brain, but my heart.

I've had a lot of those thoughts lately. The kinds that travel straight to my heart.

They're unkind, unjust, and unrelenting.

Today was filled with those kinds of thoughts, the bad kinds.

I hate them.

I'll let you see into a few of these thoughts if you'd like...(they may not seem too bad)

• if i run in to one more person with a cart at this store, there is a possibility that i will hurt someone or say choice words
• my face is gross. i'm ugly today.
• this weather is not even Christmas weather.
• everything they say has to be an argument. it's not even about them.
• i don't want to be here.
• i'm tired of everything
• there is very little hope today
• i'm glad he's happy, because he's messed up my heart like he wouldn't believe
• i hate him for that
• i don't understand so many things
• i'm not getting what i want
• i'm done waiting
• I don't even feel Jesus today
• is this what it feels like without God?
• is there a difference without God?

Okay, that's more than enough boring thoughts of mine that didn't necessarily need to be shared.

The thoughts that really strike me as sad are the last few.

I wondered if life would be better without God today. I hate that I did that. I don't think it's a sin, I just hate that it showed up in my thought pool.

I haven't spent hardly any time with God in the past several days. It's bothered me, but not to the point where I've done anything about it. That bothers me too. Then, I feel stuck.

I'm wondering, is it necessary to be in this rut so that He can pick me back up again?

Or...is that just my excuse as to why I don't have to feel bad about it?

I'm not actually sure. But maybe...I don't have to feel guilty about it. Jesus does not love me less. He really doesn't. He's not far away from me. He hasn't chosen to leave me like people in my life. I have such a difficult time remembering that.

Jesus doesn't leave like everyone else.

He never will.

Social Scene Ramblings

Finding out who I am is weird and slightly uncomfortable.

I've heard the phrase "finding yourself" multiple times, and wanting to make fun of the phrase because it seems so cliche and dumb. But it's true. There actually is a time when we have to find ourselves...at least I think so anyway. When I'm put into situations I'm not used to, I find out who I am in that situation...and the next situation...and the next....and so on.

What I've come to discover about myself, from a social interaction of sorts last night, is that I am very reserved when I'm in the company of people I'm not fully comfortable with. I don't speak words really because I actually am a little afraid of what their response will be or how they will take me. I care that much. I usually hate that about myself. Usually.

Then I thought about it, prayed about it, and repeated those two a few more times. I think I'm coming to terms with who I am. I'm not saying, "Well, that's just who I am, so I should embrace it." ...

Actually I AM saying that.

I keep thinking that I have to be like the people I'm around, to a certain extent. I never can fulfill that wishful thinking, though. I haven't been able to yet. I over analyze things and over analyze them again. I just haven't found out how to be who I am in every situation, I don't think. I don't want to change in every situation...at least I don't think I do.

There's so much uncertainty in not being fully comfortable with who I am or how I will act in a given situation. I hate uncertainty...yet, I'm in the midst of it in so many aspects of my life. Right in the middle.

I'm not alone, though. I have nothing else to hold on to, no one else to hold on to besides Jesus. Really. That's all, and it's enough.

Oh, Truth

I've been letting so many different things, people, events, negative thoughts lead my life lately.

It's like I run to those things to save me. To save me from myself. Those are the very things that hurt me.

They are the things that take away truth from my life.

I give into the ways of the world. I let all that is not Jesus wash over, expecting a sense of freedom.

I never experience freedom when seeking those things.

Throughout the last couple of weeks, amongst believing some lies about how things should be, I've also been exposed to some truth. These truths have been revealed by close friends who love God, the Bible, and honest leaders in my life.

It's this truth that i want to hold on to. Instead of searching for the truth, I need to just let God be. I need to just let him be in my life. I need to let him love me. I need to let him be who He says He is. He is my God. He is my Father. He will never NOT be that.

I Only Want One

I haven't been able to let go lately. I constantly find myself cycling through emotions. I am amazed that I have been stable enough to function, really.

It goes like this:

I'm heartbroken, left to pick of the pieces that I invested fitting together. It's a feeling I've never felt before. Of course, this is the initial pain. Then, some time passes, along with more than a million different thoughts, emotions, and feelings. There are blessing within the pain, alongside the pain, around the pain...but I have yet to find the blessings in the pain that I'm experiencing.

How do I find peace in this pain?

How do I make sure it's all okay?

What's the next step I should take to feel better?

What am I doing wrong?

Why do I care so much?

What do I do?

...

I can't do any of these things, not on my own. I can't.

I will try again, to make things better. I can honestly say that today I have actually realized something...and it's this:

I don't want anything else.

I truly just want Jesus.

Jesus is, and always will be, the only one I can give my whole heart to without fear of it being trampled or ignored.

I can't receive that from anyone else, no matter how hard I search. I won't ever find that in another human.

This will be the only way that I can let go of everything...through Jesus.

I need a new start...with Jesus.