Be yourself?

You know when people tell you things like this?...

"Be who you are."
"Be different, it's really okay."
"Don't compare yourself to other people."

Gosh, I've heard it more times than I will ever know. Sometimes I believe this. I believe it and live at least... one day every few months... acting out on that belief. It's so freeing when I believe it. Weird. When I believe it. I don't know when it switches, when there's that time when all confidence is sucked out of me and I feel like I have no idea what I think about myself other than I am extremely self-concious about everything and care in a way that is not even healthy.

Hate that feeling, those thoughts, the prohibitions that come with it. Awful.

In my mind I've made up this person I think I am. Then, I make up another version of myself...and so it continues.

Yeah, I want to be who I am. I'd maybe like to be different if it meant that no one noticed that "different-ness."
No way do I want to compare myself to other people. It makes me feel horrible every time....I still do it.

I want to be who I am...

but I don't really know who that is still. 
I don't know what that looks like, not for the time being anyway.

If God could show me something having to do with any of this. I don't have to convince myself of the truth...I want to just believe it.

here's to you, friend...

I didn't want to think you were right, and I may be wrong in even writing any of this. 

We talked about it the other day. 

You were upset because of where your friendship is/was (whatever that status is) with him. 

I didn't speak much because I want more than anything to believe that I am okay, and maybe even be there for you when you're not...especially with this situation. 

But I want to tell you. 

It is still difficult for me. 

It still has the ability to hurt my heart and I hate that. 

Isn't it strange how God knew we would be hurt by one person in such a deep way?

HOW?

Of course I can't help to think that's not where I should stay. I can't always focus on how I was hurt...but sometimes it seems like I will come back to that. The past can sure be daunting. It's uncomfortable, even. 

I know there is forgiveness. I will move on from this. We will move on from this. 

Isn't that strange and exciting? 

This will be a part of our stories, separately and together. 

There will be beauty found in those stories, along with the hurt. 

Crazy.

God is crazy. 

But, I want you to know that I'm so glad we're friends. 

We're odd. Very odd in our ways. 

But we're so blessed. 

some type of rap dance

My feelings haven't done so well lately.
While equipped to direct me in an uncertain way,
I'm left with chaos that only intends to curl up and stay.

If there's a way out, I've blocked them all
Thinking I'm running, but instead I fall
Right into the very trap that I envisioned I was far from
I made sure I kept my distance, but I was wrong

I've named it apathy, anxiety, and self absorption
But I'm not even sure I could really put my finger on it
Down up down up down up.
No, this isn't a strum, but it might as well be
Every string that is plucked creates more uncertainty

Heavy eyelids, no. That's too cliché.
But I'll let it all go away.
I'll let it all slip away.
Amidst the dull thump of what used to be a heart beat.

Where's that Hope?

Car trouble?
That's not supposed to be a thing that I have to deal with. I'm only 21, in school, and I get to be with my friends.
Pay rent?

I like good expected things. I'd say most people do. When the bad things come up, I want to be far away from it. So maybe I'll sleep a little more, or avoid the situation...OR I could start listening to and believing thoughts that aren't true. I usually choose the last option.

I've been so anxious lately. I expect God to be here, understanding what I need and meeting that need. That's what I really want so that I don't have to deal with the messy-ness. That would be splendid.

That's not going to happen, or at least it's not right now.

Yet, where's that Hope that I've been introduced to many times in my life? I've held onto it before, and this time I'm holding on guilt, fear, and most definitely anxiety.

I hold onto Guilt because it seems like the thing I'm supposed to hold onto. Pretty twisted.

I think that I'm supposed to feel guilty that my car is messed up, I have yet to pay rent, and everything else financial just seems awful...and my parents have to help me with all of it. I feel like an obligation. I'm told I'm not, but I keep pushing the idea. It's like I'm trying to make it true, like I want it to be true?

I hope that's not it, but that's what it seems like it.

"Your parents chose to have you. They knew that all this was going to happen. They helped your brother and your sister, now they're helping you." -- That's what Justine said, and that's what is so true.

I have the freedom in this situation to hold onto that Hope that I've chosen to ignore. I think that hope is for other people sometimes.

I want to hold onto that hope, the hope that says, "You really could be left with nothing and have me. You could be completely lonely, without money, and without a car...and you would still have me."

I would still have Jesus.

I'm going to choose, for this moment, that Jesus is that hope. He says he is.

He will not back down from being Hope. He will not give up.

That hope is still alive.
It has to be.

To Be Known

I often have many racing thoughts...this is a thing you know about me if you know me.
Sometimes these thoughts actually are good to have, and even segue into more than just a racing thought.

Today, I had a meaningful thought...it was this:

I want to be known.

Segued into: I like when people know me and I know them...but more than a surface-y type of "know." It's so good to have a friend that knows what I need, or even what I want. To have someone interested in all my thoughts and to see expressions on their face that clearly shows they care so much. When I ramble on and on, and that person knows that what I have to say could be something that is worth listening to. I love that.

I think that lately I have been craving, mentally, relationally even, to be known in this way on a consistent basis. I do experience this often with one of my best friends, and I appreciate that. So then I'm led to this thought...

I'm pretty sure God knows me even more than that.

--- This is pretty much where I not only don't understand that, but I also am curious as to how this is possible.

Is it really possible for me to be known in a way that is extremely consistent and beyond anything I can measure or beyond a way that I have ever wanted to be known?

Another thing-- I love that as I asked that question above, that question that most likely will not make sense to anyone I would say it to, is known and understood by my Jesus.

I'd like to think that he's not going to keep asking me what I mean when I say something, or what I'm getting at when I try to explain something in a way that is not even remotely clear.

What?

That's a real thing??

I'm hoping it is. I think it is....

And I think I'm ready to explore this part of Christ....this part that knows me fully. 

I'm so excited to delve into this, to just be, and to give myself a chance to believe in this truth.

I Wrote a Blog

"Write a blog. You should go write a blog. I thought you were going to write a blog. Didn't you say you were going to write a blog?" -- all things said by my roommate and friend Justine. 

--- My response-- I don't know what to write. I have so many thoughts (surprise)... I can't condense them. I haven't felt God enough to write a blog. I haven't....I can't.... blah blah. Whatever. 

So, I'm going to write this blog. 

Here's where I am -- well, I'm unsure of where I am, maybe? Lately I've been hearing a lot about how God loves me, and you, no matter what we do. We can try to do things, but he'll love us anyway. 

Okay, I've heard it. Really, I've heard it almost too much. Can't we move on from that? Are we not just trying to convince ourselves that God loves us? I know it feels like I've been doing that lately. Should I move on from that? Not too sure. 

I don't know what to read in my bible as of late. I've been lazy about it. I just don't like opening that book up, with so many meaningful things in it, only ending up searching for verses that I think are relevant or things that are interesting to me. It seems like more of a task than anything. It's almost as if I spend that time reading that book I might find truth and not know what to do with it. But, nevertheless, that is where I really think I am lately. 

I don't know what to do with the truth.

I have known what to do with it. I have known how to speak it to other people. I have known that it is there and it is alive...but I'm not in the same place, even now. There has been something inside of me that makes me want to hide the truth or just not even bring it up. 

Why is that? No clue. 

But, thankfully, I have a friend who is reminding me of the Truth. She's reminding other people in her life of truth. I am so thankful for her. She's strong when she could be weak. I love that. 

Just last night, as I was looking through my bible, I ended up reading Galatians 5. That book and chapter is just filled with all things Spirit-filled. It's so good. 

Here's something...

"You, my brothers, were called to be free..." 
- Galatians 5:13 (some of 13, anyway)

We were actually called to be free...not to give up, not to be perfect, not to be everything to everyone, not to save the world, not to feel good all the time, not to prove ourselves, not to do the right thing every time...and so on. 

I would love to answer that call...to be free. 

I'm told Jesus is good. I believe it. I want it in real life. I want Jesus to be in it. All of it. I think I will always want that, even when I don't show it. 

So, Jesus. Help me be free...knowing that you are with me, that you love me, that you want me to be free, that I can rest in all of You and who you are. 

Here's to Confusion

As always, I have so many thoughts. I tried to condense them into words. But instead of all those thoughts, I'm going to choose to be reassured. I am confused, upset, bewildered, excited, and fascinated by God right now....

I don't know. It's weird. 

But,

It should be okay.

Everything will be okay.