I'm not invincible.

I feel completely in control, then a few weeks goes by and I look at where I actually am and I feel like I couldn't even tell you. Words let me take a second and write out where it is that I think I am. They come to me through friends who tell me what they think they should, to protect me, to keep me going. Initially, and even after, I want to ignore that. I want to pretend I am invincible, just for this part of my life. I want to believe I can handling anything, knowing I'm praying to God every once in a while just so he knows I have not forgotten about him. I imagine how my life is. I don't look at it accurately. My insecurities just show a little, so maybe it's not a big deal.

But it is.

I am a person who needs to take care of herself. Being responsible? I thought I was...based off of what I want to think.

I don't want you to tell me how to live.

That's dumb. That's not what's happening. You're not actually telling me how to live. You're telling me how I am living, and I'm taking it as a threat because I won't let myself truly look at myself. I won't let myself see any form of ugliness because then I know other people saw and see that as well. I don't like looking bad. I don't like looking dumb. I feel weak when those things are pointed out to me. I feel like I can recover from that and that I'm not seen as someone who is weak, doesn't care, and is extremely irresponsible.

Is that me, though? At my core, at the center of myself, is that me?

No.

I care. I got tripped up.

There's grace. There's room for me to move. God is not going to hold me back. My friends are NOT trying to hold me back. I need to stop making them an enemy. I need to stop all the pretending, as though they just want to fight me and make my life a living hell.

It's kind of funny how accurate that is not.

Those are not my friends.

I'm ready to take action towards improvement. It's not going to be easy for me, but I'm sure I'll pretend that it is.

But I pray...that I will not take this all on myself. That I will talk with my friends. I will talk with the other person. I will be transparent with God and tell him...I cannot do this. I really am weak, and you know how to handle me. You know how to be with me.

A God that knows us so intimately knows how to help me.

I have to believe that. I don't even have to pretend that it's true...because it is.

so good.

I could be sleeping right now, but sleep seems to be one of the last things I would like to give my time to.

This weekend seriously flew by.
I don't even get it, but it was so good.

God has been allowing my relationships to flourish. He has really blessed them. Now that I think of it, it seems like he has been showing me how important people in my life actually are...and I love that.

It's kind of a beautiful situation when my friends are encouraging and I can be encouraging to them as well...and when I meet new people and we're both excited to get to know each other.


Man, I feel blessed and I know I have been blessed.

I think it's safe to say that God is showing me new things.

Spring is getting closer. I can smell it. I can feel it.


It's crazy to think how small we are in all of this.
It's crazy to think how even though we seem so small, we have been created intricately and specifically.

I like that I can see and feel these things called blessings.

Be yourself?

You know when people tell you things like this?...

"Be who you are."
"Be different, it's really okay."
"Don't compare yourself to other people."

Gosh, I've heard it more times than I will ever know. Sometimes I believe this. I believe it and live at least... one day every few months... acting out on that belief. It's so freeing when I believe it. Weird. When I believe it. I don't know when it switches, when there's that time when all confidence is sucked out of me and I feel like I have no idea what I think about myself other than I am extremely self-concious about everything and care in a way that is not even healthy.

Hate that feeling, those thoughts, the prohibitions that come with it. Awful.

In my mind I've made up this person I think I am. Then, I make up another version of myself...and so it continues.

Yeah, I want to be who I am. I'd maybe like to be different if it meant that no one noticed that "different-ness."
No way do I want to compare myself to other people. It makes me feel horrible every time....I still do it.

I want to be who I am...

but I don't really know who that is still. 
I don't know what that looks like, not for the time being anyway.

If God could show me something having to do with any of this. I don't have to convince myself of the truth...I want to just believe it.

here's to you, friend...

I didn't want to think you were right, and I may be wrong in even writing any of this. 

We talked about it the other day. 

You were upset because of where your friendship is/was (whatever that status is) with him. 

I didn't speak much because I want more than anything to believe that I am okay, and maybe even be there for you when you're not...especially with this situation. 

But I want to tell you. 

It is still difficult for me. 

It still has the ability to hurt my heart and I hate that. 

Isn't it strange how God knew we would be hurt by one person in such a deep way?

HOW?

Of course I can't help to think that's not where I should stay. I can't always focus on how I was hurt...but sometimes it seems like I will come back to that. The past can sure be daunting. It's uncomfortable, even. 

I know there is forgiveness. I will move on from this. We will move on from this. 

Isn't that strange and exciting? 

This will be a part of our stories, separately and together. 

There will be beauty found in those stories, along with the hurt. 

Crazy.

God is crazy. 

But, I want you to know that I'm so glad we're friends. 

We're odd. Very odd in our ways. 

But we're so blessed. 

some type of rap dance

My feelings haven't done so well lately.
While equipped to direct me in an uncertain way,
I'm left with chaos that only intends to curl up and stay.

If there's a way out, I've blocked them all
Thinking I'm running, but instead I fall
Right into the very trap that I envisioned I was far from
I made sure I kept my distance, but I was wrong

I've named it apathy, anxiety, and self absorption
But I'm not even sure I could really put my finger on it
Down up down up down up.
No, this isn't a strum, but it might as well be
Every string that is plucked creates more uncertainty

Heavy eyelids, no. That's too cliché.
But I'll let it all go away.
I'll let it all slip away.
Amidst the dull thump of what used to be a heart beat.

Where's that Hope?

Car trouble?
That's not supposed to be a thing that I have to deal with. I'm only 21, in school, and I get to be with my friends.
Pay rent?

I like good expected things. I'd say most people do. When the bad things come up, I want to be far away from it. So maybe I'll sleep a little more, or avoid the situation...OR I could start listening to and believing thoughts that aren't true. I usually choose the last option.

I've been so anxious lately. I expect God to be here, understanding what I need and meeting that need. That's what I really want so that I don't have to deal with the messy-ness. That would be splendid.

That's not going to happen, or at least it's not right now.

Yet, where's that Hope that I've been introduced to many times in my life? I've held onto it before, and this time I'm holding on guilt, fear, and most definitely anxiety.

I hold onto Guilt because it seems like the thing I'm supposed to hold onto. Pretty twisted.

I think that I'm supposed to feel guilty that my car is messed up, I have yet to pay rent, and everything else financial just seems awful...and my parents have to help me with all of it. I feel like an obligation. I'm told I'm not, but I keep pushing the idea. It's like I'm trying to make it true, like I want it to be true?

I hope that's not it, but that's what it seems like it.

"Your parents chose to have you. They knew that all this was going to happen. They helped your brother and your sister, now they're helping you." -- That's what Justine said, and that's what is so true.

I have the freedom in this situation to hold onto that Hope that I've chosen to ignore. I think that hope is for other people sometimes.

I want to hold onto that hope, the hope that says, "You really could be left with nothing and have me. You could be completely lonely, without money, and without a car...and you would still have me."

I would still have Jesus.

I'm going to choose, for this moment, that Jesus is that hope. He says he is.

He will not back down from being Hope. He will not give up.

That hope is still alive.
It has to be.

To Be Known

I often have many racing thoughts...this is a thing you know about me if you know me.
Sometimes these thoughts actually are good to have, and even segue into more than just a racing thought.

Today, I had a meaningful thought...it was this:

I want to be known.

Segued into: I like when people know me and I know them...but more than a surface-y type of "know." It's so good to have a friend that knows what I need, or even what I want. To have someone interested in all my thoughts and to see expressions on their face that clearly shows they care so much. When I ramble on and on, and that person knows that what I have to say could be something that is worth listening to. I love that.

I think that lately I have been craving, mentally, relationally even, to be known in this way on a consistent basis. I do experience this often with one of my best friends, and I appreciate that. So then I'm led to this thought...

I'm pretty sure God knows me even more than that.

--- This is pretty much where I not only don't understand that, but I also am curious as to how this is possible.

Is it really possible for me to be known in a way that is extremely consistent and beyond anything I can measure or beyond a way that I have ever wanted to be known?

Another thing-- I love that as I asked that question above, that question that most likely will not make sense to anyone I would say it to, is known and understood by my Jesus.

I'd like to think that he's not going to keep asking me what I mean when I say something, or what I'm getting at when I try to explain something in a way that is not even remotely clear.

What?

That's a real thing??

I'm hoping it is. I think it is....

And I think I'm ready to explore this part of Christ....this part that knows me fully. 

I'm so excited to delve into this, to just be, and to give myself a chance to believe in this truth.