sunday blog time.

Sometimes...well, sometimes lately I just sit here on the computer for endless amounts of time wondering if I'm even going to see a job title that looks interesting to me. I just don't want to fit into any of those job titles. It just seems not okay, like I'm giving in to stuff I never wanted to give in to --- which is, having a job that could really suck. I mean, I've had some days where I'm super positive and thinking I could basically do anything...and how I can't wait to do something that will rule...

These pictures are irrelevant. Sort of. 

Then again, I'm just not into this whole job thing. I KNEW it was going to be this process that would be dumb, boring, and would make me feel as though I should have worked harder somewhere along the way in my life. Maybe that's true, but that's awful if it is all true.

I know that you have to know people. You have to know people who will tell other people that you are looking for a job. It'd be super ideal for someone to be like, "Oh, hey! I found this great job for you -- it's one where you constantly promote excellent music and you get paid for it!."

Yeah.

I don't know though. Maybe my idea of any job is not what it would actually be in reality. I just don't want to fit into a typical job. Whatever that means. 

I wasn't ready for college to end. Pretty sure most seniors weren't either, minus those few that were offered jobs right out of school...wierdies. Well done for them, though.

However, I have some things to look into this week. Praying they go well. Or something. 

I also get to see some friends this week. And my boyfriend. 

So. That's my life right now. 

I know where you stand, silent in the trees

It only took listening to this song today. Riding in the back seat of the car, I blared it into my headphones. I watched everyone as they drove by...people were mostly eating in their cars. The windows were down, and I could feel the wind whip around my eyelashes. The sun was just setting too. 

As weird as it seems, this was the perfect song for that moment. 

I am always reassured by this band's lyrics, their music, and the hope that it encompasses.

I love being reminded to be who I am and to be excited about things, even in my uncertainty. I am consistently encouraged and motivated through twenty one pilots.

Strange....

and powerful...

but mostly powerful.

stuff.

Today, my sister told me I had a box of stuff that I could go through that I hadn't yet. This stuff was from my sophomore year of college. 

Yeah. A lot of weird happened in that year. I started my first legitimate journal in that year. It was a purple notebook...one that I wrote in religiously...or so it seems that way. I also found some old notes/things that just aren't necessary to have. These things just aren't in my life anymore, and they probably make me bitter when I think about them...

so, I decided to delight in burning the old journal that held information that I'd rather not remember. Stuff that has already been dealt with. Stuff that I don't want to find one day years later and think about. The stuff that won't make me more contemplative or anything...it will most likely just make me wonder how I could have made different choices. Not healthy thoughts. 

Anyway, I decided to burn the pages of this journal. I couldn't even get the paper to light quickly...and it was taking forever to do. I knew I could throw it away and be done with it, but that didn't seem final enough to me. If it was burned, there was nothing left of it. Then it just became annoying, the wind was blowing, and I decided it's not even worth it to spend so much time on burning it. I threw it away, with some of the edges of the pages burnt. 

That's probably okay. I don't think it will show up any time soon. 

I didn't know just how long it would take to move forward from something that sucked hardcore. I've been moving forward, though. I guess there are just reminders every now and then....it's like little tests that give me a chance to decide what I want to do with that stuff. I could dwell on it, for sure. No reason to, though. Those reminders are not truths in my life now. 

Praise God.

I'm not invincible.

I feel completely in control, then a few weeks goes by and I look at where I actually am and I feel like I couldn't even tell you. Words let me take a second and write out where it is that I think I am. They come to me through friends who tell me what they think they should, to protect me, to keep me going. Initially, and even after, I want to ignore that. I want to pretend I am invincible, just for this part of my life. I want to believe I can handling anything, knowing I'm praying to God every once in a while just so he knows I have not forgotten about him. I imagine how my life is. I don't look at it accurately. My insecurities just show a little, so maybe it's not a big deal.

But it is.

I am a person who needs to take care of herself. Being responsible? I thought I was...based off of what I want to think.

I don't want you to tell me how to live.

That's dumb. That's not what's happening. You're not actually telling me how to live. You're telling me how I am living, and I'm taking it as a threat because I won't let myself truly look at myself. I won't let myself see any form of ugliness because then I know other people saw and see that as well. I don't like looking bad. I don't like looking dumb. I feel weak when those things are pointed out to me. I feel like I can recover from that and that I'm not seen as someone who is weak, doesn't care, and is extremely irresponsible.

Is that me, though? At my core, at the center of myself, is that me?

No.

I care. I got tripped up.

There's grace. There's room for me to move. God is not going to hold me back. My friends are NOT trying to hold me back. I need to stop making them an enemy. I need to stop all the pretending, as though they just want to fight me and make my life a living hell.

It's kind of funny how accurate that is not.

Those are not my friends.

I'm ready to take action towards improvement. It's not going to be easy for me, but I'm sure I'll pretend that it is.

But I pray...that I will not take this all on myself. That I will talk with my friends. I will talk with the other person. I will be transparent with God and tell him...I cannot do this. I really am weak, and you know how to handle me. You know how to be with me.

A God that knows us so intimately knows how to help me.

I have to believe that. I don't even have to pretend that it's true...because it is.

so good.

I could be sleeping right now, but sleep seems to be one of the last things I would like to give my time to.

This weekend seriously flew by.
I don't even get it, but it was so good.

God has been allowing my relationships to flourish. He has really blessed them. Now that I think of it, it seems like he has been showing me how important people in my life actually are...and I love that.

It's kind of a beautiful situation when my friends are encouraging and I can be encouraging to them as well...and when I meet new people and we're both excited to get to know each other.


Man, I feel blessed and I know I have been blessed.

I think it's safe to say that God is showing me new things.

Spring is getting closer. I can smell it. I can feel it.


It's crazy to think how small we are in all of this.
It's crazy to think how even though we seem so small, we have been created intricately and specifically.

I like that I can see and feel these things called blessings.

Be yourself?

You know when people tell you things like this?...

"Be who you are."
"Be different, it's really okay."
"Don't compare yourself to other people."

Gosh, I've heard it more times than I will ever know. Sometimes I believe this. I believe it and live at least... one day every few months... acting out on that belief. It's so freeing when I believe it. Weird. When I believe it. I don't know when it switches, when there's that time when all confidence is sucked out of me and I feel like I have no idea what I think about myself other than I am extremely self-concious about everything and care in a way that is not even healthy.

Hate that feeling, those thoughts, the prohibitions that come with it. Awful.

In my mind I've made up this person I think I am. Then, I make up another version of myself...and so it continues.

Yeah, I want to be who I am. I'd maybe like to be different if it meant that no one noticed that "different-ness."
No way do I want to compare myself to other people. It makes me feel horrible every time....I still do it.

I want to be who I am...

but I don't really know who that is still. 
I don't know what that looks like, not for the time being anyway.

If God could show me something having to do with any of this. I don't have to convince myself of the truth...I want to just believe it.

here's to you, friend...

I didn't want to think you were right, and I may be wrong in even writing any of this. 

We talked about it the other day. 

You were upset because of where your friendship is/was (whatever that status is) with him. 

I didn't speak much because I want more than anything to believe that I am okay, and maybe even be there for you when you're not...especially with this situation. 

But I want to tell you. 

It is still difficult for me. 

It still has the ability to hurt my heart and I hate that. 

Isn't it strange how God knew we would be hurt by one person in such a deep way?

HOW?

Of course I can't help to think that's not where I should stay. I can't always focus on how I was hurt...but sometimes it seems like I will come back to that. The past can sure be daunting. It's uncomfortable, even. 

I know there is forgiveness. I will move on from this. We will move on from this. 

Isn't that strange and exciting? 

This will be a part of our stories, separately and together. 

There will be beauty found in those stories, along with the hurt. 

Crazy.

God is crazy. 

But, I want you to know that I'm so glad we're friends. 

We're odd. Very odd in our ways. 

But we're so blessed.