Sunday, October 21, 2012

To Be Known

I often have many racing thoughts...this is a thing you know about me if you know me.
Sometimes these thoughts actually are good to have, and even segue into more than just a racing thought.

Today, I had a meaningful was this:

I want to be known.

Segued into: I like when people know me and I know them...but more than a surface-y type of "know." It's so good to have a friend that knows what I need, or even what I want. To have someone interested in all my thoughts and to see expressions on their face that clearly shows they care so much. When I ramble on and on, and that person knows that what I have to say could be something that is worth listening to. I love that.

I think that lately I have been craving, mentally, relationally even, to be known in this way on a consistent basis. I do experience this often with one of my best friends, and I appreciate that. So then I'm led to this thought...

I'm pretty sure God knows me even more than that.

--- This is pretty much where I not only don't understand that, but I also am curious as to how this is possible.

Is it really possible for me to be known in a way that is extremely consistent and beyond anything I can measure or beyond a way that I have ever wanted to be known?

Another thing-- I love that as I asked that question above, that question that most likely will not make sense to anyone I would say it to, is known and understood by my Jesus.

I'd like to think that he's not going to keep asking me what I mean when I say something, or what I'm getting at when I try to explain something in a way that is not even remotely clear.


That's a real thing??

I'm hoping it is. I think it is....

And I think I'm ready to explore this part of Christ....this part that knows me fully. 

I'm so excited to delve into this, to just be, and to give myself a chance to believe in this truth.

Friday, October 19, 2012

I Wrote a Blog

"Write a blog. You should go write a blog. I thought you were going to write a blog. Didn't you say you were going to write a blog?" -- all things said by my roommate and friend Justine. 

--- My response-- I don't know what to write. I have so many thoughts (surprise)... I can't condense them. I haven't felt God enough to write a blog. I haven't....I can't.... blah blah. Whatever. 

So, I'm going to write this blog. 

Here's where I am -- well, I'm unsure of where I am, maybe? Lately I've been hearing a lot about how God loves me, and you, no matter what we do. We can try to do things, but he'll love us anyway. 

Okay, I've heard it. Really, I've heard it almost too much. Can't we move on from that? Are we not just trying to convince ourselves that God loves us? I know it feels like I've been doing that lately. Should I move on from that? Not too sure. 

I don't know what to read in my bible as of late. I've been lazy about it. I just don't like opening that book up, with so many meaningful things in it, only ending up searching for verses that I think are relevant or things that are interesting to me. It seems like more of a task than anything. It's almost as if I spend that time reading that book I might find truth and not know what to do with it. But, nevertheless, that is where I really think I am lately. 

I don't know what to do with the truth.

I have known what to do with it. I have known how to speak it to other people. I have known that it is there and it is alive...but I'm not in the same place, even now. There has been something inside of me that makes me want to hide the truth or just not even bring it up. 

Why is that? No clue. 

But, thankfully, I have a friend who is reminding me of the Truth. She's reminding other people in her life of truth. I am so thankful for her. She's strong when she could be weak. I love that. 

Just last night, as I was looking through my bible, I ended up reading Galatians 5. That book and chapter is just filled with all things Spirit-filled. It's so good. 

Here's something...

"You, my brothers, were called to be free..." 
- Galatians 5:13 (some of 13, anyway)

We were actually called to be free...not to give up, not to be perfect, not to be everything to everyone, not to save the world, not to feel good all the time, not to prove ourselves, not to do the right thing every time...and so on. 

I would love to answer that be free. 

I'm told Jesus is good. I believe it. I want it in real life. I want Jesus to be in it. All of it. I think I will always want that, even when I don't show it. 

So, Jesus. Help me be free...knowing that you are with me, that you love me, that you want me to be free, that I can rest in all of You and who you are. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Here's to Confusion

As always, I have so many thoughts. I tried to condense them into words. But instead of all those thoughts, I'm going to choose to be reassured. I am confused, upset, bewildered, excited, and fascinated by God right now....

I don't know. It's weird. 


It should be okay.
Everything will be okay.