The Hurt and the Healer

It's very strange, this place I've been as of late. Actually, I keep saying that. I keep saying that I've been in a weird place, one that doesn't make sense, one that is filled with confusion. Confusion is the best way to describe how I've felt for so long. Well, long as in months in my life.

To jump to where I am now, I've been reading this book by these two guys who happen to love Jesus. I started reading it earlier this year after my mom let me borrow it. I read a few chapters and then stopped. It was so good then.
So, I picked it up the other day and started reading it from the beginning…I think. I started reading it somewhere, anyway.
I did the thing where you go to a coffee shop and read or something. I read this book. I took notes on it. I didn't even take notes on it because I thought it was a way of discipline that would be helpful. I couldn't wait to take notes on this book. I wanted to soak it all up. I haven't felt this way about a book in forever. IT WAS SO AWESOME. I LOVED IT.

This book is addressing so many things I need to hear and reminding me of things that are so important and true. I'm being reminded of the truth of Jesus and God.

It addressed the confusion I talked about. I was so excited…it was like someone was speaking directly to me, telling me what I needed to know about Jesus.

I've been confused because I've been trying to do what I can and failing. I have emotionally and spiritually drained myself. I've tried to fix things. I tried to read my bible. I wouldn't read it, and felt bad. I felt guilty like there was something wrong. I didn't pray much. I was annoyed that I didn't pray much and that I wasn't even feeling it.  I haven't been feeling it. Any of the God stuff. And then I felt bad about that.

This is all stemming from what I haven't done. I haven't done this to be close with God. I was apart of it too much. I often put myself in the center, trying to figure out what steps I'm supposed to take toward getting back with God.

No. That's not it. I don't have to keep doing that. I am free from trying so hard. I am free from working towards a relationship with God. I already have a relationship with God. I decided that a long time ago. I've been acting as though he's gone far from me. He hasn't at all.

Are you aware that God's grace has been there, done that?…
Jesus came for a reason. We are actually free. These words don't even do this justice…

There's so much more to it than words. This realization cannot even be described with words. It can, but it's unhelpful.

My brain seems like it's crapping all over this blog, as thought it's not making sense really. Doesn't matter. I could write this blog horribly. I could treat people awfully. I could never do anything that I've ever been used to, such as getting involved in a church or reading my bible or praying. (I got this from the book, just not verbatim.) I wouldn't have to do any of that for Jesus to love me, for God to forgive me.

It's already been done.

I've been forgiven for life. I've already accepted Jesus into my heart and believe he is still alive. I love being reminded of who God is to us. I love being reminded that he's not out to make us feel guilty. Before knowing him, he saw our sin, yes. Now that I know him, Jesus lives through me and in me, making me holy and blameless. (Again, these are blurbs from the book.) It's awesome. Jesus is so awesome. He never has and will never do things that are expected. He doesn't just work in people who give him their best 100% and have their morals intact. He's not preaching morals.

With my puny, words, all I can say is that I'm excited that this is real. I'm excited to feel this again. Eeeee. I could write forever, but also not. I just like reading that book a whole lot.

I've been traveling in the desert of my mind

Here's what I'm going through, and the funny thing is...I didn't even write this. It was already written. Somebody has already felt these feelings. Somebody has already gone through this. I'm in it now. If nothing else, alongside my current apathy I have a song to sing. When I can't find what I'm looking for or even feel that strong spirit of truth, I still have a song. 

You can have this song too, if it's what you need.

It's what I need right now.

I try desperately to run through the sand
As I hold the water
In the palm of my hand
Cause it's all that I have
It's all that I need and
The waves of the water
Mean nothing to me
But I try my best
And all that I can to
Hold tightly onto
What's left in my hand
But no matter how
How tightly I will strain
The sand will slow me down
And the water will drain
I'm just being dramatic
In fact,
I'm only at it again
As an addict with a pen
Who's addicted to the wind
As it blows me back and fourth
Mindless, spineless, and pretend
Of course I'll be here again
See you tomorrow
But it's the end of today
End of my ways
As a walking denial
My trail was filed as a crazy
Suicidal head case
But you specialize in dying
You hear me screaming
Father
And I'm lying here just crying
So wash me with your water

that community word

You know when you start craving something you once knew? It could even be something like this food you had one time that was ridiculously great and you feel you need it right now or life won't go on...or pickles. I crave pickles.
But, that's clearly not what I'm writing about. I love pickles, and I tend to crave them like a pregnant woman. Also, I'm not pregnant. ... Anyway...

I crave community.
It's like, when I get even a small dose of it, I'm filled up. I experienced community in a way that has been modeled after the way Jesus did life...
He spent it with people who were vulnerable. People who got close because of him, not necessarily because of just their life interests.

Jesus clearly didn't mess around. He didn't live on earth that long, and didn't waste any time getting to genuinely know people. I love that about him. I love how he sees each person as someone more than worth spending time with. People are not like that, even the nicest, most genuine person on the planet. I'm so glad Jesus exists. He is like no one else, and that's refreshing.
He's so relatable, yet so different. He's the only one who ever had to die for every person just to save them from themselves. I won't ever have to do that. I will never be able to save anyone in that way.

Jesus is clearly good.
The community he promotes and lives is worth the vulnerability and I pray for that again.

sunday blog time.

Sometimes...well, sometimes lately I just sit here on the computer for endless amounts of time wondering if I'm even going to see a job title that looks interesting to me. I just don't want to fit into any of those job titles. It just seems not okay, like I'm giving in to stuff I never wanted to give in to --- which is, having a job that could really suck. I mean, I've had some days where I'm super positive and thinking I could basically do anything...and how I can't wait to do something that will rule...

These pictures are irrelevant. Sort of. 

Then again, I'm just not into this whole job thing. I KNEW it was going to be this process that would be dumb, boring, and would make me feel as though I should have worked harder somewhere along the way in my life. Maybe that's true, but that's awful if it is all true.

I know that you have to know people. You have to know people who will tell other people that you are looking for a job. It'd be super ideal for someone to be like, "Oh, hey! I found this great job for you -- it's one where you constantly promote excellent music and you get paid for it!."

Yeah.

I don't know though. Maybe my idea of any job is not what it would actually be in reality. I just don't want to fit into a typical job. Whatever that means. 

I wasn't ready for college to end. Pretty sure most seniors weren't either, minus those few that were offered jobs right out of school...wierdies. Well done for them, though.

However, I have some things to look into this week. Praying they go well. Or something. 

I also get to see some friends this week. And my boyfriend. 

So. That's my life right now. 

I know where you stand, silent in the trees

It only took listening to this song today. Riding in the back seat of the car, I blared it into my headphones. I watched everyone as they drove by...people were mostly eating in their cars. The windows were down, and I could feel the wind whip around my eyelashes. The sun was just setting too. 

As weird as it seems, this was the perfect song for that moment. 

I am always reassured by this band's lyrics, their music, and the hope that it encompasses.

I love being reminded to be who I am and to be excited about things, even in my uncertainty. I am consistently encouraged and motivated through twenty one pilots.

Strange....

and powerful...

but mostly powerful.

stuff.

Today, my sister told me I had a box of stuff that I could go through that I hadn't yet. This stuff was from my sophomore year of college. 

Yeah. A lot of weird happened in that year. I started my first legitimate journal in that year. It was a purple notebook...one that I wrote in religiously...or so it seems that way. I also found some old notes/things that just aren't necessary to have. These things just aren't in my life anymore, and they probably make me bitter when I think about them...

so, I decided to delight in burning the old journal that held information that I'd rather not remember. Stuff that has already been dealt with. Stuff that I don't want to find one day years later and think about. The stuff that won't make me more contemplative or anything...it will most likely just make me wonder how I could have made different choices. Not healthy thoughts. 

Anyway, I decided to burn the pages of this journal. I couldn't even get the paper to light quickly...and it was taking forever to do. I knew I could throw it away and be done with it, but that didn't seem final enough to me. If it was burned, there was nothing left of it. Then it just became annoying, the wind was blowing, and I decided it's not even worth it to spend so much time on burning it. I threw it away, with some of the edges of the pages burnt. 

That's probably okay. I don't think it will show up any time soon. 

I didn't know just how long it would take to move forward from something that sucked hardcore. I've been moving forward, though. I guess there are just reminders every now and then....it's like little tests that give me a chance to decide what I want to do with that stuff. I could dwell on it, for sure. No reason to, though. Those reminders are not truths in my life now. 

Praise God.

I'm not invincible.

I feel completely in control, then a few weeks goes by and I look at where I actually am and I feel like I couldn't even tell you. Words let me take a second and write out where it is that I think I am. They come to me through friends who tell me what they think they should, to protect me, to keep me going. Initially, and even after, I want to ignore that. I want to pretend I am invincible, just for this part of my life. I want to believe I can handling anything, knowing I'm praying to God every once in a while just so he knows I have not forgotten about him. I imagine how my life is. I don't look at it accurately. My insecurities just show a little, so maybe it's not a big deal.

But it is.

I am a person who needs to take care of herself. Being responsible? I thought I was...based off of what I want to think.

I don't want you to tell me how to live.

That's dumb. That's not what's happening. You're not actually telling me how to live. You're telling me how I am living, and I'm taking it as a threat because I won't let myself truly look at myself. I won't let myself see any form of ugliness because then I know other people saw and see that as well. I don't like looking bad. I don't like looking dumb. I feel weak when those things are pointed out to me. I feel like I can recover from that and that I'm not seen as someone who is weak, doesn't care, and is extremely irresponsible.

Is that me, though? At my core, at the center of myself, is that me?

No.

I care. I got tripped up.

There's grace. There's room for me to move. God is not going to hold me back. My friends are NOT trying to hold me back. I need to stop making them an enemy. I need to stop all the pretending, as though they just want to fight me and make my life a living hell.

It's kind of funny how accurate that is not.

Those are not my friends.

I'm ready to take action towards improvement. It's not going to be easy for me, but I'm sure I'll pretend that it is.

But I pray...that I will not take this all on myself. That I will talk with my friends. I will talk with the other person. I will be transparent with God and tell him...I cannot do this. I really am weak, and you know how to handle me. You know how to be with me.

A God that knows us so intimately knows how to help me.

I have to believe that. I don't even have to pretend that it's true...because it is.

so good.

I could be sleeping right now, but sleep seems to be one of the last things I would like to give my time to.

This weekend seriously flew by.
I don't even get it, but it was so good.

God has been allowing my relationships to flourish. He has really blessed them. Now that I think of it, it seems like he has been showing me how important people in my life actually are...and I love that.

It's kind of a beautiful situation when my friends are encouraging and I can be encouraging to them as well...and when I meet new people and we're both excited to get to know each other.


Man, I feel blessed and I know I have been blessed.

I think it's safe to say that God is showing me new things.

Spring is getting closer. I can smell it. I can feel it.


It's crazy to think how small we are in all of this.
It's crazy to think how even though we seem so small, we have been created intricately and specifically.

I like that I can see and feel these things called blessings.

Be yourself?

You know when people tell you things like this?...

"Be who you are."
"Be different, it's really okay."
"Don't compare yourself to other people."

Gosh, I've heard it more times than I will ever know. Sometimes I believe this. I believe it and live at least... one day every few months... acting out on that belief. It's so freeing when I believe it. Weird. When I believe it. I don't know when it switches, when there's that time when all confidence is sucked out of me and I feel like I have no idea what I think about myself other than I am extremely self-concious about everything and care in a way that is not even healthy.

Hate that feeling, those thoughts, the prohibitions that come with it. Awful.

In my mind I've made up this person I think I am. Then, I make up another version of myself...and so it continues.

Yeah, I want to be who I am. I'd maybe like to be different if it meant that no one noticed that "different-ness."
No way do I want to compare myself to other people. It makes me feel horrible every time....I still do it.

I want to be who I am...

but I don't really know who that is still. 
I don't know what that looks like, not for the time being anyway.

If God could show me something having to do with any of this. I don't have to convince myself of the truth...I want to just believe it.