You know when people tell you things like this?...
"Be who you are."
"Be different, it's really okay."
"Don't compare yourself to other people."
Gosh, I've heard it more times than I will ever know. Sometimes I believe this. I believe it and live at least... one day every few months... acting out on that belief. It's so freeing when I believe it. Weird. When I believe it. I don't know when it switches, when there's that time when all confidence is sucked out of me and I feel like I have no idea what I think about myself other than I am extremely self-concious about everything and care in a way that is not even healthy.
Hate that feeling, those thoughts, the prohibitions that come with it. Awful.
In my mind I've made up this person I think I am. Then, I make up another version of myself...and so it continues.
Yeah, I want to be who I am. I'd maybe like to be different if it meant that no one noticed that "different-ness."
No way do I want to compare myself to other people. It makes me feel horrible every time....I still do it.
I want to be who I am...
but I don't really know who that is still.
I don't know what that looks like, not for the time being anyway.
If God could show me something having to do with any of this. I don't have to convince myself of the truth...I want to just believe it.