Thinking can be seen as a gift. I am able to think whatever I want without any human knowing. God knows, but no one else does.
I am capable of encouraging thoughts or thoughts that torture not just my brain, but my heart.
I've had a lot of those thoughts lately. The kinds that travel straight to my heart.
They're unkind, unjust, and unrelenting.
Today was filled with those kinds of thoughts, the bad kinds.
I hate them.
I'll let you see into a few of these thoughts if you'd like...(they may not seem too bad)
- if i run in to one more person with a cart at this store, there is a possibility that i will hurt someone or say choice words
- my face is gross. i'm ugly today.
- this weather is not even Christmas weather.
- everything they say has to be an argument. it's not even about them.
- i don't want to be here.
- i'm tired of everything
- there is very little hope today
- i'm glad he's happy, because he's messed up my heart like he wouldn't believe
- i hate him for that
- i don't understand so many things
- i'm not getting what i want
- i'm done waiting
- I don't even feel Jesus today
- is this what it feels like without God?
- is there a difference without God?
Okay, that's more than enough boring thoughts of mine that didn't necessarily need to be shared.
The thoughts that really strike me as sad are the last few.
I wondered if life would be better without God today. I hate that I did that. I don't think it's a sin, I just hate that it showed up in my thought pool.
I haven't spent hardly any time with God in the past several days. It's bothered me, but not to the point where I've done anything about it. That bothers me too. Then, I feel stuck.
I'm wondering, is it necessary to be in this rut so that He can pick me back up again?
Or...is that just my excuse as to why I don't have to feel bad about it?
I'm not actually sure. But maybe...I don't have to feel guilty about it. Jesus does not love me less. He really doesn't. He's not far away from me. He hasn't chosen to leave me like people in my life. I have such a difficult time remembering that.
Jesus doesn't leave like everyone else.
He never will.