here's to you, friend...

I didn't want to think you were right, and I may be wrong in even writing any of this. 

We talked about it the other day. 

You were upset because of where your friendship is/was (whatever that status is) with him. 

I didn't speak much because I want more than anything to believe that I am okay, and maybe even be there for you when you're not...especially with this situation. 

But I want to tell you. 

It is still difficult for me. 

It still has the ability to hurt my heart and I hate that. 

Isn't it strange how God knew we would be hurt by one person in such a deep way?

HOW?

Of course I can't help to think that's not where I should stay. I can't always focus on how I was hurt...but sometimes it seems like I will come back to that. The past can sure be daunting. It's uncomfortable, even. 

I know there is forgiveness. I will move on from this. We will move on from this. 

Isn't that strange and exciting? 

This will be a part of our stories, separately and together. 

There will be beauty found in those stories, along with the hurt. 

Crazy.

God is crazy. 

But, I want you to know that I'm so glad we're friends. 

We're odd. Very odd in our ways. 

But we're so blessed. 

some type of rap dance

My feelings haven't done so well lately.
While equipped to direct me in an uncertain way,
I'm left with chaos that only intends to curl up and stay.

If there's a way out, I've blocked them all
Thinking I'm running, but instead I fall
Right into the very trap that I envisioned I was far from
I made sure I kept my distance, but I was wrong

I've named it apathy, anxiety, and self absorption
But I'm not even sure I could really put my finger on it
Down up down up down up.
No, this isn't a strum, but it might as well be
Every string that is plucked creates more uncertainty

Heavy eyelids, no. That's too cliché.
But I'll let it all go away.
I'll let it all slip away.
Amidst the dull thump of what used to be a heart beat.

Where's that Hope?

Car trouble?
That's not supposed to be a thing that I have to deal with. I'm only 21, in school, and I get to be with my friends.
Pay rent?

I like good expected things. I'd say most people do. When the bad things come up, I want to be far away from it. So maybe I'll sleep a little more, or avoid the situation...OR I could start listening to and believing thoughts that aren't true. I usually choose the last option.

I've been so anxious lately. I expect God to be here, understanding what I need and meeting that need. That's what I really want so that I don't have to deal with the messy-ness. That would be splendid.

That's not going to happen, or at least it's not right now.

Yet, where's that Hope that I've been introduced to many times in my life? I've held onto it before, and this time I'm holding on guilt, fear, and most definitely anxiety.

I hold onto Guilt because it seems like the thing I'm supposed to hold onto. Pretty twisted.

I think that I'm supposed to feel guilty that my car is messed up, I have yet to pay rent, and everything else financial just seems awful...and my parents have to help me with all of it. I feel like an obligation. I'm told I'm not, but I keep pushing the idea. It's like I'm trying to make it true, like I want it to be true?

I hope that's not it, but that's what it seems like it.

"Your parents chose to have you. They knew that all this was going to happen. They helped your brother and your sister, now they're helping you." -- That's what Justine said, and that's what is so true.

I have the freedom in this situation to hold onto that Hope that I've chosen to ignore. I think that hope is for other people sometimes.

I want to hold onto that hope, the hope that says, "You really could be left with nothing and have me. You could be completely lonely, without money, and without a car...and you would still have me."

I would still have Jesus.

I'm going to choose, for this moment, that Jesus is that hope. He says he is.

He will not back down from being Hope. He will not give up.

That hope is still alive.
It has to be.

To Be Known

I often have many racing thoughts...this is a thing you know about me if you know me.
Sometimes these thoughts actually are good to have, and even segue into more than just a racing thought.

Today, I had a meaningful thought...it was this:

I want to be known.

Segued into: I like when people know me and I know them...but more than a surface-y type of "know." It's so good to have a friend that knows what I need, or even what I want. To have someone interested in all my thoughts and to see expressions on their face that clearly shows they care so much. When I ramble on and on, and that person knows that what I have to say could be something that is worth listening to. I love that.

I think that lately I have been craving, mentally, relationally even, to be known in this way on a consistent basis. I do experience this often with one of my best friends, and I appreciate that. So then I'm led to this thought...

I'm pretty sure God knows me even more than that.

--- This is pretty much where I not only don't understand that, but I also am curious as to how this is possible.

Is it really possible for me to be known in a way that is extremely consistent and beyond anything I can measure or beyond a way that I have ever wanted to be known?

Another thing-- I love that as I asked that question above, that question that most likely will not make sense to anyone I would say it to, is known and understood by my Jesus.

I'd like to think that he's not going to keep asking me what I mean when I say something, or what I'm getting at when I try to explain something in a way that is not even remotely clear.

What?

That's a real thing??

I'm hoping it is. I think it is....

And I think I'm ready to explore this part of Christ....this part that knows me fully. 

I'm so excited to delve into this, to just be, and to give myself a chance to believe in this truth.

I Wrote a Blog

"Write a blog. You should go write a blog. I thought you were going to write a blog. Didn't you say you were going to write a blog?" -- all things said by my roommate and friend Justine. 

--- My response-- I don't know what to write. I have so many thoughts (surprise)... I can't condense them. I haven't felt God enough to write a blog. I haven't....I can't.... blah blah. Whatever. 

So, I'm going to write this blog. 

Here's where I am -- well, I'm unsure of where I am, maybe? Lately I've been hearing a lot about how God loves me, and you, no matter what we do. We can try to do things, but he'll love us anyway. 

Okay, I've heard it. Really, I've heard it almost too much. Can't we move on from that? Are we not just trying to convince ourselves that God loves us? I know it feels like I've been doing that lately. Should I move on from that? Not too sure. 

I don't know what to read in my bible as of late. I've been lazy about it. I just don't like opening that book up, with so many meaningful things in it, only ending up searching for verses that I think are relevant or things that are interesting to me. It seems like more of a task than anything. It's almost as if I spend that time reading that book I might find truth and not know what to do with it. But, nevertheless, that is where I really think I am lately. 

I don't know what to do with the truth.

I have known what to do with it. I have known how to speak it to other people. I have known that it is there and it is alive...but I'm not in the same place, even now. There has been something inside of me that makes me want to hide the truth or just not even bring it up. 

Why is that? No clue. 

But, thankfully, I have a friend who is reminding me of the Truth. She's reminding other people in her life of truth. I am so thankful for her. She's strong when she could be weak. I love that. 

Just last night, as I was looking through my bible, I ended up reading Galatians 5. That book and chapter is just filled with all things Spirit-filled. It's so good. 

Here's something...

"You, my brothers, were called to be free..." 
- Galatians 5:13 (some of 13, anyway)

We were actually called to be free...not to give up, not to be perfect, not to be everything to everyone, not to save the world, not to feel good all the time, not to prove ourselves, not to do the right thing every time...and so on. 

I would love to answer that call...to be free. 

I'm told Jesus is good. I believe it. I want it in real life. I want Jesus to be in it. All of it. I think I will always want that, even when I don't show it. 

So, Jesus. Help me be free...knowing that you are with me, that you love me, that you want me to be free, that I can rest in all of You and who you are. 

Here's to Confusion

As always, I have so many thoughts. I tried to condense them into words. But instead of all those thoughts, I'm going to choose to be reassured. I am confused, upset, bewildered, excited, and fascinated by God right now....

I don't know. It's weird. 

But,

It should be okay.

Everything will be okay. 

He is Yahweh

Who is moving on the waters
Who is holding up the moon
Who is peeling back the darkness
With the burning light of noon
Who is standing on the mountains
Who is on the earth below
Who is bigger than the heavens and the lover of my soul (Chorus)


(Chorus) Creator God, He is Yahweh
The Great I Am, He is Yahweh
The Lord of All, He is Yahweh
Rose of Sharon, He is Yahweh
The Righteous Son, He is Yahweh
The Three-in-one, He is Yahweh

Who is He that makes me happy
Who is He that gives me peace
Who is He that brings me comfort
And turns the bitter into sweet
Who is stirring up my passion
Who is rising up in me
Who is filling up my hunger, with everything I need. (Chorus)

You are holy and eternal
And forever You will reign
Every knee will bow before You
Every tongue will confess Your name
All the angels give You glory
As they stand before Your throne
and here on Earth we gather
To declare Your name alone. (Chorus) 

I just wanted to share the lyrics to this song. I just heard it/worshiped Jesus through this song in chapel today. So much truth. 

Here's a link, if you want to worship with this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KimlpvQz3tM

Just Because

"Don't live for God. Live because of God."

Here's one of those times where it's good to actually reread those sentences, maybe several times, and then think on them if necessary.

How great are those words, really?? As Christ followers we aren't called to live a life FOR God, but a life BECAUSE of God. It's so crazy to me how those words make all the difference. 

After seeing Tenth Avenue North perform last night at LifeWay, I was astounded. The lead singer, Mike Donehey, spoke those words that I am so moved by. It was not only a reminder, but a truth that I hadn't seen before, at least not in this way. 

He was pouring out truth. THE Truth. As he was speaking between songs, I heard and saw not just a man who loves Jesus, but I saw Jesus through his words and genuineness. I was focused completely (which can be rare for me). Jesus had all my attention. I loved it.

Mike reminded everyone that we can't work for God's acceptance. We can't get his approval. He has already accepted us. He has already approved. We are his creations. We are so imperfect, but there is nothing that will keep us from his love. 

Yet again, I don't understand. How can this even be a thing that exists? It does. It will not be found in a person. 

We don't even have to work to be loved by God. 

This is so freeing to me. This should be freeing to me. This is the good news. News that will never get old because I cannot wrap my mind around it. 

For this, I am thankful. 

Our God. Our huge God wants us to just be. 

I am challenged, now, to see my life as a way to live because of God's love, because of God's truth.

Just Because. 

My heart isn't right.

I'm writing this at this very moment because my heart is not right and I'm choosing to write about this.
Almost like I'm documenting my heart's condition at this present time.


There's a situation. It's been an ongoing situation. I've been so angry about it. I've tried to understand it. I become so jealous. I become bitter. The, there is peace.

But this peace seem so situational. Is that how it will always be?

Oh, this is something I know is my weakness. I think that one day I don't have a problem with my two friends who are always spending time with each other. Seems so elementary. Honestly, though, it hurts. It hurts that I was just told by another friend that they were together hanging out.

My first reaction: I really don't care. I couldn't care less about what they are doing together.

I was naiive in thinking it wouldn't be brought to my attention so soon.

I want to be happy for them, don't I? Can't I just accept that things have changed?
Right now, I don't. I really don't. I can definitely conjure up some awful things to say.

This is not who I want to be moving towards. I don't want to move towards the person I usually am.  I'm reminded that God is bigger.

So, this is a reminder to myself: God is bigger. He is bigger than my jealousy. He is bigger than this what-seems-so-constant situation.

A reminder of Truth.

God, you are bigger than these feelings. You love when I don't. You forgive when I am hesitant.

I need my Jesus.

I like what you say, but I don't feel it. 

The words You speak and have spoken are filled with truth, but I can hardly say that I fully believe in that truth at that moment I hear or read it. 

I yearn for the day when You're all I'm after.

My thoughts are obsessed with knowing You and only You.

My actions sometimes display what You represent, and sometimes they disgrace the very core of who You are.

I strive and strive, then realize there's nothing I can do to have You love me.

I am always reminded there is nothing that I can do for You to love me. You just do.

That's what I'm always told. That's what I believe sometimes, yet I don't always fully believe it.

I'm sick of not always believing and I'm done with my thoughts telling me that I'm stuck. 

But that feels most true right now. 

I feel stuck. 

Where is the balance of not giving myself too much credit to the point of pride and arrogance to giving myself credit for who I am because I am God's?

Maybe it is that I'm striving for perfection.

I can't find this balance after trying and trying in almost everything I do. 

I want to do what's right. I want to be who I can be in Christ. I reminded of who I can be, and sort of how...

But that's just it.

I don't feel like I know the key to all of this. 

How do I actively become who I am supposed to be?

Will I ever reach it?

I know there is a Truth and I want Him to be the center of who I am.

I need the reminders.

I need the spiritual encouragement. 

I need my Jesus.

And My Thoughts Wander Again...

Today I had this thought. I thought, "What if I am where I am supposed to be? I mean, I always think that there is more somewhere other than where I am now. So, why am I here? Why am I not there?"

I always feel like there is more that I could be doing, or at least something else that I SHOULD be doing. Yet, I had another thought....

"I am probably where I am for a reason. OR maybe there isn't a specific reason I am here."

So, now I am thinking some other thoughts...

I am home, where I've grown up. Away from Anderson...which I also call home. 

God is here. 

God is also there. 

I could be in England...and amazingly enough, God would still be the same. He would still be with me.

There is freedom and reassurance in knowing that I don't actually have to be physically present in a certain place in order for me to really see God or know he's there.

It's not really a matter of where I am. 

It's a matter of taking the time to listen to God...regardless of what city, state, or country I'm in.

God will speak...I just need to stop screening his words. I need to stop over thinking what he says. I need to let my faith be my understanding. 

I need that to be enough. 

What If

What if I were to forget the security of my own comfort and jump into something that brings uncertainty?

What if I desired to travel the world, and not know where I will eat or sleep or if I'll have enough money to do either?

What if I put my trust in something, Someone higher than myself? My FULL trust.

What would that look like?

Lately, I have been asking myself these kinds of questions. I have not given God the credit he actually deserves. Of course, he doesn't need me to tell him what he deserves. He's God. He is the Almighty. He really is the Beginning and the End.

Jesus is a miracle worker. He changed life years ago, why do I act as though he is incapable of it now?

That's what really gets me. I belittle Him. I belittle the One who molded my very form.

I get wrapped up in these situations and I have no clue how I am going to survive them. I look for faith in myself. I look to myself for help.

The past few weeks, though I have let God carry me a little here and there. I have let him hold me and take me to where he wants me.

It's strange. It's scary. It's exciting. It's faith.

Our God is huge. He's the same he has always been. He will provide. He is the only safety I need. He really is.

What if I lived everyday like that?

Astounded.

I don't know of any other words that could describe the way I feel right now other than the very title of this blog. The past 5 months or so have consisted of heartache, sorrow, grief, love, failure, sadness, anger, bitterness (so much), anxiety, relaxation, freedom, restraint, peace, truth, lies, decisions, faith, some prayer, miracles, curiosity...

Through all of those words, I have come to the realization, yet again, that God is so huge. He is so infinite. He is unbelievable. I could go on and on about what God is.

Here are some things God is not: unreliable, unforgiving, human, sinful, deceitful, uncaring, demeaning, inconsiderate, horrible.

My God is so ridiculous. He is so good.

I can't really even begin how to understand this. I still cannot wrap my mind around it. I keep trying to put God in human form, but it never works. His love is not conditional. He is not me. He is not any person on this earth.

He is so pure, so unlike this world, so unlike me.

He actually takes broken hearts and holds them. He holds them.

God has held my heart, in its wrenching pain, in its full out despair, and somehow introduced me to a different side of grace and love.

He has shown me that I can view someone in a different light. I can view someone through his eyes, even if for a short time. Someone who has hurt me so deeply. Someone who I thought I could never mend things with have been shown to me in a different light.

This has taken time, though...day by day with emotions and thoughts running rampant.

Tonight I had a conversation with this person who I liked, loved, rejected, judged.

Tonight I didn't have the anger. I didn't have the bitterness. It wasn't about any of that. It was about God.

When I say that, I really mean it. I previously met with this person a couple weeks ago, and from that day he is a completely different person.

I could see it in his face, body language, eyes...

heart...soul....

He is filled with God. He is filled with the Spirit and it's extremely evident.

It was so drastic, so different, so God. I can't say it was anything else. He was such a different person.

I was so encouraged by this. My heart has been filled with hope.

And now, I am simply astounded.