Saturday, November 3, 2012

Where's that Hope?

Car trouble?
That's not supposed to be a thing that I have to deal with. I'm only 21, in school, and I get to be with my friends.
Pay rent?

I like good expected things. I'd say most people do. When the bad things come up, I want to be far away from it. So maybe I'll sleep a little more, or avoid the situation...OR I could start listening to and believing thoughts that aren't true. I usually choose the last option.

I've been so anxious lately. I expect God to be here, understanding what I need and meeting that need. That's what I really want so that I don't have to deal with the messy-ness. That would be splendid.

That's not going to happen, or at least it's not right now.

Yet, where's that Hope that I've been introduced to many times in my life? I've held onto it before, and this time I'm holding on guilt, fear, and most definitely anxiety.

I hold onto Guilt because it seems like the thing I'm supposed to hold onto. Pretty twisted.

I think that I'm supposed to feel guilty that my car is messed up, I have yet to pay rent, and everything else financial just seems awful...and my parents have to help me with all of it. I feel like an obligation. I'm told I'm not, but I keep pushing the idea. It's like I'm trying to make it true, like I want it to be true?

I hope that's not it, but that's what it seems like it.

"Your parents chose to have you. They knew that all this was going to happen. They helped your brother and your sister, now they're helping you." -- That's what Justine said, and that's what is so true.

I have the freedom in this situation to hold onto that Hope that I've chosen to ignore. I think that hope is for other people sometimes.

I want to hold onto that hope, the hope that says, "You really could be left with nothing and have me. You could be completely lonely, without money, and without a car...and you would still have me."

I would still have Jesus.

I'm going to choose, for this moment, that Jesus is that hope. He says he is.

He will not back down from being Hope. He will not give up.

That hope is still alive.
It has to be.