Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thoughts On Thoughts On Thoughts

Thinking can be seen as a gift. I am able to think whatever I want without any human knowing. God knows, but no one else does.
I am capable of encouraging thoughts or thoughts that torture not just my brain, but my heart.

I've had a lot of those thoughts lately. The kinds that travel straight to my heart.
They're unkind, unjust, and unrelenting.

Today was filled with those kinds of thoughts, the bad kinds.

I hate them.

I'll let you see into a few of these thoughts if you'd like...(they may not seem too bad)
  • if i run in to one more person with a cart at this store, there is a possibility that i will hurt someone or say choice words
  • my face is gross. i'm ugly today.
  • this weather is not even Christmas weather.
  • everything they say has to be an argument. it's not even about them.
  • i don't want to be here.
  • i'm tired of everything
  • there is very little hope today
  • i'm glad he's happy, because he's messed up my heart like he wouldn't believe
  • i hate him for that
  • i don't understand so many things
  • i'm not getting what i want
  • i'm done waiting
  • I don't even feel Jesus today
  • is this what it feels like without God?
  • is there a difference without God?
Okay, that's more than enough boring thoughts of mine that didn't necessarily need to be shared.

The thoughts that really strike me as sad are the last few.
I wondered if life would be better without God today. I hate that I did that. I don't think it's a sin, I just hate that it showed up in my thought pool.

I haven't spent hardly any time with God in the past several days. It's bothered me, but not to the point where I've done anything about it. That bothers me too. Then, I feel stuck.

I'm wondering, is it necessary to be in this rut so that He can pick me back up again?
Or...is that just my excuse as to why I don't have to feel bad about it?

I'm not actually sure. But maybe...I don't have to feel guilty about it. Jesus does not love me less. He really doesn't. He's not far away from me. He hasn't chosen to leave me like people in my life. I have such a difficult time remembering that.

Jesus doesn't leave like everyone else.

He never will.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Social Scene Ramblings

Finding out who I am is weird and slightly uncomfortable.

I've heard the phrase "finding yourself" multiple times, and wanting to make fun of the phrase because it seems so cliche and dumb. But it's true. There actually is a time when we have to find ourselves...at least I think so anyway. When I'm put into situations I'm not used to, I find out who I am in that situation...and the next situation...and the next....and so on.

What I've come to discover about myself, from a social interaction of sorts last night, is that I am very reserved when I'm in the company of people I'm not fully comfortable with. I don't speak words really because I actually am a little afraid of what their response will be or how they will take me. I care that much. I usually hate that about myself. Usually.

Then I thought about it, prayed about it, and repeated those two a few more times. I think I'm coming to terms with who I am. I'm not saying, "Well, that's just who I am, so I should embrace it." ...

Actually I AM saying that.

I keep thinking that I have to be like the people I'm around, to a certain extent. I never can fulfill that wishful thinking, though. I haven't been able to yet. I over analyze things and over analyze them again. I just haven't found out how to be who I am in every situation, I don't think. I don't want to change in every situation...at least I don't think I do.

There's so much uncertainty in not being fully comfortable with who I am or how I will act in a given situation. I hate uncertainty...yet, I'm in the midst of it in so many aspects of my life. Right in the middle.
I'm not alone, though. I have nothing else to hold on to, no one else to hold on to besides Jesus. Really. That's all, and it's enough.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Oh, Truth

I've been letting so many different things, people, events, negative thoughts lead my life lately.
It's like I run to those things to save me. To save me from myself. Those are the very things that hurt me.
They are the things that take away truth from my life.
I give into the ways of the world. I let all that is not Jesus wash over, expecting a sense of freedom.
I never experience freedom when seeking those things.

Throughout the last couple of weeks, amongst believing some lies about how things should be, I've also been exposed to some truth. These truths have been revealed by close friends who love God, the Bible, and honest leaders in my life.

It's this truth that i want to hold on to. Instead of searching for the truth, I need to just let God be. I need to just let him be in my life. I need to let him love me. I need to let him be who He says He is. He is my God. He is my Father. He will never NOT be that.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I Only Want One

I haven't been able to let go lately. I constantly find myself cycling through emotions. I am amazed that I have been stable enough to function, really.

It goes like this:
I'm heartbroken, left to pick of the pieces that I invested fitting together. It's a feeling I've never felt before. Of course, this is the initial pain. Then, some time passes, along with more than a million different thoughts, emotions, and feelings. There are blessing within the pain, alongside the pain, around the pain...but I have yet to find the blessings in the pain that I'm experiencing.

How do I find peace in this pain?
How do I make sure it's all okay?
What's the next step I should take to feel better?
What am I doing wrong?
Why do I care so much?
What do I do?


I can't do any of these things, not on my own. I can't.

I will try again, to make things better. I can honestly say that today I have actually realized something...and it's this:

I don't want anything else.
I truly just want Jesus.

Jesus is, and always will be, the only one I can give my whole heart to without fear of it being trampled or ignored.

I can't receive that from anyone else, no matter how hard I search. I won't ever find that in another human.

This will be the only way that I can let go of everything...through Jesus.

I need a new start...with Jesus.