My heart isn't right.

I'm writing this at this very moment because my heart is not right and I'm choosing to write about this.
Almost like I'm documenting my heart's condition at this present time.


There's a situation. It's been an ongoing situation. I've been so angry about it. I've tried to understand it. I become so jealous. I become bitter. The, there is peace.

But this peace seem so situational. Is that how it will always be?

Oh, this is something I know is my weakness. I think that one day I don't have a problem with my two friends who are always spending time with each other. Seems so elementary. Honestly, though, it hurts. It hurts that I was just told by another friend that they were together hanging out.

My first reaction: I really don't care. I couldn't care less about what they are doing together.

I was naiive in thinking it wouldn't be brought to my attention so soon.

I want to be happy for them, don't I? Can't I just accept that things have changed?
Right now, I don't. I really don't. I can definitely conjure up some awful things to say.

This is not who I want to be moving towards. I don't want to move towards the person I usually am.  I'm reminded that God is bigger.

So, this is a reminder to myself: God is bigger. He is bigger than my jealousy. He is bigger than this what-seems-so-constant situation.

A reminder of Truth.

God, you are bigger than these feelings. You love when I don't. You forgive when I am hesitant.

I need my Jesus.

I like what you say, but I don't feel it. 

The words You speak and have spoken are filled with truth, but I can hardly say that I fully believe in that truth at that moment I hear or read it. 

I yearn for the day when You're all I'm after.

My thoughts are obsessed with knowing You and only You.

My actions sometimes display what You represent, and sometimes they disgrace the very core of who You are.

I strive and strive, then realize there's nothing I can do to have You love me.

I am always reminded there is nothing that I can do for You to love me. You just do.

That's what I'm always told. That's what I believe sometimes, yet I don't always fully believe it.

I'm sick of not always believing and I'm done with my thoughts telling me that I'm stuck. 

But that feels most true right now. 

I feel stuck. 

Where is the balance of not giving myself too much credit to the point of pride and arrogance to giving myself credit for who I am because I am God's?

Maybe it is that I'm striving for perfection.

I can't find this balance after trying and trying in almost everything I do. 

I want to do what's right. I want to be who I can be in Christ. I reminded of who I can be, and sort of how...

But that's just it.

I don't feel like I know the key to all of this. 

How do I actively become who I am supposed to be?

Will I ever reach it?

I know there is a Truth and I want Him to be the center of who I am.

I need the reminders.

I need the spiritual encouragement. 

I need my Jesus.