Saturday, July 7, 2012

My heart isn't right.

I'm writing this at this very moment because my heart is not right and I'm choosing to write about this.
Almost like I'm documenting my heart's condition at this present time.

There's a situation. It's been an ongoing situation. I've been so angry about it. I've tried to understand it. I become so jealous. I become bitter. The, there is peace.

But this peace seem so situational. Is that how it will always be?

Oh, this is something I know is my weakness. I think that one day I don't have a problem with my two friends who are always spending time with each other. Seems so elementary. Honestly, though, it hurts. It hurts that I was just told by another friend that they were together hanging out.

My first reaction: I really don't care. I couldn't care less about what they are doing together.

I was naiive in thinking it wouldn't be brought to my attention so soon.

I want to be happy for them, don't I? Can't I just accept that things have changed?
Right now, I don't. I really don't. I can definitely conjure up some awful things to say.

This is not who I want to be moving towards. I don't want to move towards the person I usually am.  I'm reminded that God is bigger.

So, this is a reminder to myself: God is bigger. He is bigger than my jealousy. He is bigger than this what-seems-so-constant situation.

A reminder of Truth.

God, you are bigger than these feelings. You love when I don't. You forgive when I am hesitant.

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