Astounded.

I don't know of any other words that could describe the way I feel right now other than the very title of this blog. The past 5 months or so have consisted of heartache, sorrow, grief, love, failure, sadness, anger, bitterness (so much), anxiety, relaxation, freedom, restraint, peace, truth, lies, decisions, faith, some prayer, miracles, curiosity...

Through all of those words, I have come to the realization, yet again, that God is so huge. He is so infinite. He is unbelievable. I could go on and on about what God is.

Here are some things God is not: unreliable, unforgiving, human, sinful, deceitful, uncaring, demeaning, inconsiderate, horrible.

My God is so ridiculous. He is so good.

I can't really even begin how to understand this. I still cannot wrap my mind around it. I keep trying to put God in human form, but it never works. His love is not conditional. He is not me. He is not any person on this earth.

He is so pure, so unlike this world, so unlike me.

He actually takes broken hearts and holds them. He holds them.

God has held my heart, in its wrenching pain, in its full out despair, and somehow introduced me to a different side of grace and love.

He has shown me that I can view someone in a different light. I can view someone through his eyes, even if for a short time. Someone who has hurt me so deeply. Someone who I thought I could never mend things with have been shown to me in a different light.

This has taken time, though...day by day with emotions and thoughts running rampant.

Tonight I had a conversation with this person who I liked, loved, rejected, judged.

Tonight I didn't have the anger. I didn't have the bitterness. It wasn't about any of that. It was about God.

When I say that, I really mean it. I previously met with this person a couple weeks ago, and from that day he is a completely different person.

I could see it in his face, body language, eyes...

heart...soul....

He is filled with God. He is filled with the Spirit and it's extremely evident.

It was so drastic, so different, so God. I can't say it was anything else. He was such a different person.

I was so encouraged by this. My heart has been filled with hope.

And now, I am simply astounded.