I feel completely in control, then a few weeks goes by and I look at where I actually am and I feel like I couldn't even tell you. Words let me take a second and write out where it is that I think I am. They come to me through friends who tell me what they think they should, to protect me, to keep me going. Initially, and even after, I want to ignore that. I want to pretend I am invincible, just for this part of my life. I want to believe I can handling anything, knowing I'm praying to God every once in a while just so he knows I have not forgotten about him. I imagine how my life is. I don't look at it accurately. My insecurities just show a little, so maybe it's not a big deal.
But it is.
I am a person who needs to take care of herself. Being responsible? I thought I was...based off of what I want to think.
I don't want you to tell me how to live.
That's dumb. That's not what's happening. You're not actually telling me how to live. You're telling me how I am living, and I'm taking it as a threat because I won't let myself truly look at myself. I won't let myself see any form of ugliness because then I know other people saw and see that as well. I don't like looking bad. I don't like looking dumb. I feel weak when those things are pointed out to me. I feel like I can recover from that and that I'm not seen as someone who is weak, doesn't care, and is extremely irresponsible.
Is that me, though? At my core, at the center of myself, is that me?
I care. I got tripped up.
There's grace. There's room for me to move. God is not going to hold me back. My friends are NOT trying to hold me back. I need to stop making them an enemy. I need to stop all the pretending, as though they just want to fight me and make my life a living hell.
It's kind of funny how accurate that is not.
Those are not my friends.
I'm ready to take action towards improvement. It's not going to be easy for me, but I'm sure I'll pretend that it is.
But I pray...that I will not take this all on myself. That I will talk with my friends. I will talk with the other person. I will be transparent with God and tell him...I cannot do this. I really am weak, and you know how to handle me. You know how to be with me.
A God that knows us so intimately knows how to help me.
I have to believe that. I don't even have to pretend that it's true...because it is.