It's very strange, this place I've been as of late. Actually, I keep saying that. I keep saying that I've been in a weird place, one that doesn't make sense, one that is filled with confusion. Confusion is the best way to describe how I've felt for so long. Well, long as in months in my life.
To jump to where I am now, I've been reading this book by these two guys who happen to love Jesus. I started reading it earlier this year after my mom let me borrow it. I read a few chapters and then stopped. It was so good then.
So, I picked it up the other day and started reading it from the beginning…I think. I started reading it somewhere, anyway.
I did the thing where you go to a coffee shop and read or something. I read this book. I took notes on it. I didn't even take notes on it because I thought it was a way of discipline that would be helpful. I couldn't wait to take notes on this book. I wanted to soak it all up. I haven't felt this way about a book in forever. IT WAS SO AWESOME. I LOVED IT.
This book is addressing so many things I need to hear and reminding me of things that are so important and true. I'm being reminded of the truth of Jesus and God.
It addressed the confusion I talked about. I was so excited…it was like someone was speaking directly to me, telling me what I needed to know about Jesus.
I've been confused because I've been trying to do what I can and failing. I have emotionally and spiritually drained myself. I've tried to fix things. I tried to read my bible. I wouldn't read it, and felt bad. I felt guilty like there was something wrong. I didn't pray much. I was annoyed that I didn't pray much and that I wasn't even feeling it. I haven't been feeling it. Any of the God stuff. And then I felt bad about that.
This is all stemming from what I haven't done. I haven't done this to be close with God. I was apart of it too much. I often put myself in the center, trying to figure out what steps I'm supposed to take toward getting back with God.
No. That's not it. I don't have to keep doing that. I am free from trying so hard. I am free from working towards a relationship with God. I already have a relationship with God. I decided that a long time ago. I've been acting as though he's gone far from me. He hasn't at all.
Are you aware that God's grace has been there, done that?…
Jesus came for a reason. We are actually free. These words don't even do this justice…
There's so much more to it than words. This realization cannot even be described with words. It can, but it's unhelpful.
My brain seems like it's crapping all over this blog, as thought it's not making sense really. Doesn't matter. I could write this blog horribly. I could treat people awfully. I could never do anything that I've ever been used to, such as getting involved in a church or reading my bible or praying. (I got this from the book, just not verbatim.) I wouldn't have to do any of that for Jesus to love me, for God to forgive me.
It's already been done.
I've been forgiven for life. I've already accepted Jesus into my heart and believe he is still alive. I love being reminded of who God is to us. I love being reminded that he's not out to make us feel guilty. Before knowing him, he saw our sin, yes. Now that I know him, Jesus lives through me and in me, making me holy and blameless. (Again, these are blurbs from the book.) It's awesome. Jesus is so awesome. He never has and will never do things that are expected. He doesn't just work in people who give him their best 100% and have their morals intact. He's not preaching morals.
With my puny, words, all I can say is that I'm excited that this is real. I'm excited to feel this again. Eeeee. I could write forever, but also not. I just like reading that book a whole lot.