I answered a question in my Bible study book with this:
"More of seeing Jesus - not playing it safe in church and nice things."
The question that preceded this was, "Spend some time alone with the Lord, and pray about your schedule. What parts of your life and schedule are working and what things need to change?"
I was basically answering the whole "what things need to change part." Looking back at my answer, it may seem that I drifted off and didn't even answer the question. I actually answered it in a way that I answer most people's questions. And sometimes that is confusing.
"More of seeing Jesus."
This is what is most important to me right now. It used to be important, then it became less important, and now I'm here again. I'm realizing this is why I love Jesus. I love that he doesn't condemn me for being here. I just wanted to answer this question in a way that really depicts what I think.
I often feel like I go to church and that's where we're all supposed to feel safe and see Jesus. I get that. I really do, for the most part. If I hadn't grown up in church, I'd probably hold tightly to that. But, I have grown up in church and that's not my story. And that's okay.
In this moment I'm feeling passionate. It's like I'm feeling the way Jesus planned. Weird. He knows that I thrive off of seeing things in an alternative way...in a way that I'm not used to. I'm also very skeptical of things. Especially when it comes to church. I thought I could brush that off in the past year, but that's not what has happened. I'm still skeptical. When I know that others are skeptical it's almost like they're speaking my language. It's like we're all challenging things and how they could be. I still like that.
Back to my answer...the other half, finding comfort in nice things.
I understand that Jesus is holy. He is pure. He never sinned. He will always be this way.
We are not all of those things on our own. He does that in us. I get that.
The nice things I'm speaking of that seem somehow close to Jesus... having nice things. Having clean things.
Is that closer to Jesus? This may not even make sense after I type it, but I hope it does. It just seems that in our churches, if we make things look nice and make sure they are clean and new...will that bring someone closer to Jesus? I mean, maybe it will. I can't say it couldn't. Sometimes I wonder, though. Christianity seems like the way to go if you want the "clean life." If you want to get rid of all the crap.
This is true in that Jesus comes in and is with you in all this crap. The crap is still there, but he makes it better. He does. I've experienced it. Yet, you don't have to be completely be cleaned up and be nice and current for Jesus to enter in to your life.
I think a lot of us know that. I'd like to think so, anyway. I just think that's important to reiterate. I have to remind myself that it's not all about that. I could be in a pile of mud (you can take this figuratively or literally at this point) with the gross feeling of just being dirty. That doesn't mean that I'm not loved. Just because I'm unsure of how I'll get out of that deep mud pit doesn't mean there isn't a way. Hope that wasn't too cliche.
I love that too. Jesus isn't just in the nice things. He is in the poop of life. Why would he leave us in that? Yeah, we can choose not to see him. But we can also be reminded that he is there. We get to make those decisions, to at least recognize that Jesus is there. He's got you from there. He will every time.